Soaring Heart Creations

It's at night when I feel most alone, most vulnerable, like there's no one out there but me. I feel so lonely sitting here at my computer typing out my feelings for strangers to read, people who will never really understand what it is that is going on in my heart and head. There is no possible way for me to convey exactly how I'm feeling. My heart is at war with my head and honestly, my head is winning for the first time. I'm usually ruled by my emotions, letting my heart win every time, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and holding on to the hope that there is good in everyone. That isn't happening this time though. I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt this time because I've finally realized that he doesn't deserve it. There is a little part of me telling me that maybe he didn't mean what he said; that's my heart talking though. He's a person who always means what he says and I know that. I have to keep telling myself that so I can stay strong in the decision I made. It's not fun going to bed at night and not having anyone to hold you, no one to wrap yourself around. Sadly, now I can't quit thinking if it's really worth to have someone to hold onto for a night. What if they just end up hurting me? I've just run out of words. I'm to the point where I just want to be reckless. I don't know exactly what I want to do but I just want to do something no one would expect me to, something that would take everyone by surprise, something that shows him just how strong I am. I don't need him in my life, and he needs to know that now more than ever.

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I keep running through scenarios in my mind of how it's going to be when I finally see him for the first time in two months, especially after finding out what he said. I want to make him eat his words and get a taste of his own medicine. He deserves it, right? Maybe when all of this if over I can move towards finding that tranquility and serenity I have been searching for in this crazy, strange, mixed up world that I often have problems understanding. Right now is one of those times I'm having major problems understanding it. I just don't get how someone, who I've called a friend for a good three years, could hurt me that much and in the way he did it. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I don't know whether to put my wall back up to protect myself, or if I should leave it down and risk getting hurt again. It's really feeling like I need to put it back up again. I hate to do that because I don't want to become cynical but maybe it's necessary. Maybe I need to stop dreaming and get real. Maybe I need to realize that things don't always turn out the way I want/need them to. I did this when my grandfather died too. I put that wall up because I didn't want to feel anything. I was so tired of hurting that I made myself not feel anything. I'm usually very good at forgiving people, maybe too forgiving at times. I can't do it this time though. He crossed the line and I don't want to be that idiot girl who fell for his charm and sweet talking to make me try to forgive him. It's not going to work this time. I deserve so much better than that. The bright side of this? I can cross one more guy off on my way to finding that one person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I just hope this hasn't hurt me so much that I have problems with accepting that every guy isn't like him, that he's an exception. Lately though, I've realized that I've almost become resentful. I don't have that hope and passion I had before all of this happened. One of my friends told me about a year and a half ago that she didn't understand just how I could continue to love when my heart has been broken so much. At the time it was a simple answer; "I just do." Now, I can't honestly answer it. I have been hurt so much and it honestly make me want to give up. Then again there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me "this isn't you, Emma. You love no matter what." It's right. I'm just having a hard time loving anyone, even myself right now. Will I never love again or do I just need time? It's been said that healing takes courage, we just have to find that courage within ourselves. What if I never find that courage, what then?

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It's been said that in order to hate someone you have to actually care about them. I never quite understood what they meant until today. He talked about me behind my back and thought it wouldn't get back to me while I was standing up for him and telling my friends that he's still a good person. I can't begin to explain how angry I was when I found out. I've calmed down (even though I still have the overwhelming urge to smack him) and I've realized that he's not worth the energy it takes to hate someone. I'm just apathetic. I could really care less about him now and if he wants to try to hurt me...well, it's gonna take a lot. And even if he succeeds there will be many boys after him, all the good guys in my life. This just gave me that one last reason I needed to completely let go of him. I have so many better people in my life it's ridiculous, people who actually care about and don't do sleezy things like that to me. Now, it's time for a new me. You know how I used to pretty much let people walk all over me? Well, that stops now. I am no longer putting up with people's crap. If you talk about me, you'll get what's coming to you but I'm not gonna waste my time or energy hating you. I hate that it's come to this and that I almost have to sound like a bitch but that's just what it's come down to. I'm at my breaking point and I can't put up with it anymore

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It's a rare moment when I feel completely and utterly alone but last night was one of them. I just don't quite know how to handle it. It's been almost two months since I last spoke to him. I go home on Monday for almost a month. Do I purposely see him or do I let fate take its course? One thing I saw on tv last night reminded me of him and I went into a spiral. I started missing him and falling asleep in his arms then I had a dream about him. That just seemed to make everything worse. I couldn't get him off my mind. I had felt so safe with him and trusted him so much and then he just pulled the rug out from under me. I no longer felt safe in my own skin and I had no idea how to handle it. These dreams and thoughts of him have made me start missing him. I was doing so well too. Maybe it's time to face my fears and see him again, but on my terms this time. It's a new year and time for a new me. I mean a whole new me, including but not limited to: new hair, new wardrobe, new body (hopefully). The new hair comes into play this week, right before I see him. It's just that moments like I've been having lately are what make me think that maybe I'm not ready to see him again but I know I need to. It's been about two and a half months since I saw him last and I need him to see just how well I'm doing without him. I need him to see that even though he hurt me, I'm happy without him. Maybe my life is even better without him. I'm moving on, feeling good, and starting to find myself again. I'm finding that writer within, the one who relies on emotions and experiences to produce art. Maybe one day that art will turn into something everyone wants to hear. Maybe my therapy will become someone else's therapy. I'm excited for this part of my life to begin. Hopefully by moving on I can actually figure out what's out there for me. I know it'll happen...I'm just getting impatient. My heart is soaring again though. It's no longer being held down by disappointment and hurt. I'm realizing that I deserve so much more than that.

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I've noticed something lately. People seem to think they can save others. In guys it's known as the "white knight syndrome." In girls we just think we can be the girl to change him. News flash, it's not possible. You can't save/change someone if they don't want to be. It has to be a conscious decision on their part to change. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this because I am. I was convinced that if he cared enough about me that he would change. Well, he's not going to if he doesn't want to, no matter how much he cares about you. You can't be the one to change/save someone. Someone I'm very close to is guilty of having "the white knight syndrome." He thinks he can save these girls from themselves. The thing is, he can't. He won't be able to unless she wants to be saved and even then she has to be to main component of that. She has make an effort to save herself before you can even try. There have been times when I felt like I needed someone to save me but I've realized that I need to save myself. Only I know who I really am deep down inside and only I know how to save myself. I've had to make a conscious effort to get myself out of those dark places where I feel like my whole life is going up in smoke. Sure, it's great to have friends there to support me, knowing that they love me and will always be there for me but I have to be the one to save myself. As for the girls who think you can change him, you can't. It's not that he doesn't care about you, he just doesn't think he needs to change. You shouldn't want him to change though when it really comes down to it. If you really care about him and want the best for him, you'll love him just the way he is or he'll find someone who does. It took me a long time to realize this and accept it but I have.

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Why can't I get my head around the fact that he's leaving? There are times where it hits me hard that I only have four months left with him and I cry for hours. Then there are times where I just can't wait to see him the next time I'm home and the thought of him leaving doesn't even cross my mind. He's been such a big part of my life for such a long time now that it's almost incomprehensible that it all might change in just a few months. I'm not ready to say bye. Usually we say it's just "see you later" but I can't say that this time. What if I don't see him again? I wish that thought had never crossed my mind but when it comes to dealing with these things...my mind comes up with all of the worst possibilities ever. I can't begin to tell you how many times he has been my light at the end of the tunnel, how many times he has rescued me, or how many of my memories include him. Now I have to let that go and pretend that I'm not hurting. Of course I'm happy for him. Of course I'm proud of him. I just can't imagine my life without him. I'm not saying that he won't be a part of my life anymore. He just won't be there every time I go home. I won't be able to text him at any moment because his advice is the only advice I'll listen to. Sure, I'll still have pictures and memories but the pictures don't do him justice and the memories don't make him be here with me, telling me that everything will be okay. I love our imperfect relationship. I love the way he's always excited to see me. I love his infectious smile. I love how even when I'm having what feels like the worst day of my life, he can somehow make me smile. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? Why do I keep going back to him? This makes no sense.

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I'm tired of caring. Okay, not just caring but caring too much. I care about people too much and I think along the way, I've stopped caring about myself as much as I should. I would do anything to stop my friends from hurting. If I could take away their pain so they wouldn't have to feel that anymore but I can't and I have to accept that. Now I'm hurting and I have no idea who to turn to. I don't know where to go or what to do. I try to show people that I'm strong and that I know that I absolutely did the right thing but what do I do when I start doubting that? I don't know who will understand and sadly, I don't know who I really trust enough to let my guard down in front of like that. He was that one person I could talk to no matter what it was about or what time it was. If I called him at 3 am I knew that he would answer. How do I replace that? Who do I call at 3 am when I wake up crying? Do I find another guy or do I lean on my other friends? I'm so confused. I want to know why I wasn't good enough for him. I want to know how he could go from being so happy when he saw me to dating some other girl and "not knowing how to let me down." That's what he told me...that he's really bad at letting people down. That's his excuse for telling me. Lame excuse right? Completely. I want to be friends with him again...eventually...in the near future. But I don't know if that's going to happen. He hurt me too badly and I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to trust him again. I told him things I had never told anyone else. I trusted him hoping that he wouldn't hurt me like every other guy had. He did hurt me though. I have to move on. I need to find someone I really can trust not to hurt me. I think I deserve at least that. I know I'll find him eventually. I'm just getting a little impatient.

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Well, today is already a good day and it's only 10:30. I got my ticket to see Taking Back Sunday/Anberlin/All American Rejects in November and I couldn't be more excited! So many of the sisters are going to it too and I know it's going to be a lot of fun. And it's actually some what warm outside which is weird for October in Boone. I go home tomorrow and I'm really ready to. I've pretty much already packed. I love Boone but after a while I just get a little claustrophobic and need to get out for a little while. A five day break is just what I need to clear my mind and really sort things out. Now it's just a matter of deciding if I should see him or not. I really want to see him but I'm just not sure if I should. He's really been there for me over the past few days and I couldn't love him more for it but I just don't know if it's a good idea. I'm even more confused now than I was before I told him everything I told him. I know that's just who he is, but would he really drive two hours for any of his friends if they needed him? For some reason I don't think so. I just hope he knows that he can't save me...I have to do that on my own. It's nice to know someone is there for me though if I'm ever feeling lost and alone. I wonder if he really would drive up here to see me if I was having a really bad day and needed to see him. I just don't know if I would be able to ask him to do that for me, no matter how bad my day is/has been. It's a good feeling knowing that I have someone in my life who is there for me no matter what. I'm just glad I didn't scare him away. I think I knew he would be able to handle it, that's really why I told him but it's good to know that he isn't scared to actually talk about it. Most people try to avoid the subject at all costs when I tell them but he's facing it head on. We're good right now and that makes me feel really good about this. No matter what happens, I know that he's gonna be there to listen and talk to me. I could get used to this.

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Well, it's getting colder in Boone. I can tell winter is on its way. With winter comes a whole mess of worries. It's coming up on the three year anniversary of Papaw's death. I'm terrified. I feel like it's been so much longer than three years. My bad days are coming back and I hate it. Most of all, I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Or at least I used to hate that feeling. But that's gone now. I've found someone who I can talk to about anything. I never thought I would be able to tell someone everything I'm feeling and have them at least try to understand, but he does. He has given me some hope that I'll come out of this and that there will be someone there waiting for me when I do. He even told me that if I need to see someone, even if I'm in Boone, he'll be there the next morning if not that night. I started crying when I read that. I'm not sure why and they weren't sad tears. I guess I just finally realized that I'm not alone, that someone is actually there to be there for me. I could never tell him how grateful I am for that because I haven't been able to actually talk to anyone about it. He told me to call him if I feel sad at all this week. Never in my life have I felt like somebody cares about me so much besides my family and Hannah. At the same time he's making it really hard to get over him. Then again, I don't know if I'm supposed to be getting over him. Some of the things he says and the things he does makes me second guess it. I just need to figure this out.

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One thing I absolutely hate...when people judge me, especially when they're judging me for something they are just as guilty of doing. One of my friends pretty much blasted me out last night for continuing to go back to a guy who keeps hurting me. Well, he's been doing the same thing with the girl he likes. He even texted me over the weekend so hurt by something she did but then they were suddenly okay again. And he's judging me? Right, that makes a bunch of sense...NOT. A piece of advice to everyone, think about it before you go and judge someone. They don't need to hear your criticism. They're telling you things because they need your advice, support, and love. When you tell them that they're dumb for doing something they're just going to shut themselves off from you. You're risking losing a friend. That's what he's done. I'm not going to just sit back and let him tell me I'm like every other girl. I know that I'm not and for him to tell me that I am hurts...especially considering he used to claim he was in love with me. I didn't used to just be another girl in his life. I was the most important girl to him at one point. I think what hurts the most is that his view of me has changed so much. I've now become one of those girls who only pays attention to the guys who hurt me...at least in his eyes I have. I don't tell him half of what's going on in my heart though. How could I though? How the hell do I tell him that I've put up a wall so I don't let myself get hurt? So that maybe the tears will stop falling. So maybe I won't care so much anymore. I'm just confused. He used to be one of the few people I could tell everything to and now I can't even tell him half of what is going on. Who do I turn to now? There aren't many people I tell everything to and those I do tell are at least a few hours away from me. Right now I just need someone to hug me and tell me I'm doing the right thing. That everything will be okay in the end. That he doesn't deserve my time. He doesn't realize that he's just become another guy who has hurt me. Well, I'm taking his advice and not going back to him. Because then maybe I won't be like every other girl. I'm not like every other girl, and anyone who knows me should know that.

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Well, I heard from someone I haven't heard from/seen in a long time. See, we had a bit of a falling out back in March and I never thought we'd be okay again. We are though. We talked more tonight than we have in more than a year. It felt good too. She knows what I'm going through and it's good to have someone there who can listen and actually understand. I'm feeling a little better about things. Maybe things with him will work out. They may not work out the way I want, but they will work out the way they're supposed to. I'm just tired of being completely and utterly lost when it comes to him. I deserve to actually mean something to someone, right? I woke up this morning at 3:30 with a feeling telling me to check my facebook messages and once again there was one from him. Why does he have this power over me? This has never happened before. I've never been so hung up on someone that I start getting feelings so strong that they wake me up in the middle of the night because I feel like I'm going to hear from him. He has a knack for that; responding to me at the most inconvenient time. Like at 12:30 right when I've fallen asleep he drunk dials me. Or at 2:30 in the morning he messages me on facebook and something comes over me telling me to wake me up. Except the message is never about the same thing it's about in the dream that undoubtedly wakes me up. The dreams are almost always better than the message I actually get. Why do I continue to expect more out of him than I know I should? That's always been one of my biggest problems. I always expect way too much out of people and then I get let down when nothing turns out the way I expect it to. I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready to find that one person I just can't live without and for him to be the one who treats me well. It's been said that "missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you last talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you." I find that very true. When I came back to school from labor day and I was driving that two hour drive by myself, I missed him because I wanted him right there beside me. I wanted him to be there to talk to me and tell me that everything would be okay. But he is the one person who can't tell me it'll be okay because he is the one causing all of these worries. The one person I need is the one person who will never fully understand. I don't know if he'll understand even a little bit because I don't know how to tell him. I know I need to stop being scared and just get it out there because maybe a little bit of this weight would be lifted off my shoulders but right now that fear is paralyzing me. It's stopping me from tell him outright that I just want to with him. When I'm not with him I miss the way he teases me. When I'm walking by myself I wish he was there to hold my hand. When I go to sleep at night I wish he was there for me to wrap myself around so that maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. I don't know if things will ever be like that for us. I know it won't be anytime soon if it does happen. Now the question is do I wait? If I don't then I sure have wasted a lot of time on him lately. But if I do would it be worth it? How long would I have to wait? Sometimes I just wish things were as easy as making a wish at 11:11 and trusting the universe to take care of it. But nothing is that easy. That's just not the way things are. That's not life.

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Last night was one of those nights when I feel so alone it's ridiculous. It was just a feeling of being alone in the physical sense either. I felt alone in every way possible. I haven't had to sleep with my body pillow beside me in a long time but I did last night just so I could create at least a false sense of having someone beside me, someone for me to wrap myself around. It's been four weeks since the last time I've actually had someone beside me all night long. It's a horrible feeling to feel like there isn't anyone there. Before him I had no trouble sleeping through the night. But now I wake up at least once, usually just a few hours after going to sleep. I don't know what it is that wakes me up but there's always something telling me to wake up and check my facebook messages...and without a doubt 95% of the time there's one from him. I've never had an on-going conversation with someone for four weeks straight so this is something new for me to actually hear from him consistently. I just wish he knew the effect he has on me. Sometime it's a good one, sometimes it's not. It's always a hit or miss with him. He either makes me really happy or really upset. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what it's going to take for me to find myself again. I know I need to trust God more...that's always been one of my biggest struggles but it's hard to trust Him when it feels like everything is going wrong. Psalm 61:1-4 talks about praying to God when things get rough and how He will be there through it all, He will be the one to protect me from anything that could possibly harm me. I haven't been letting him though. I've been trying to prove that there is a physical being who could protect me like He does. I was so wrong it's crazy. He is the only one who could give me the protection I need. Sure, it's nice having someone's arms to physically run to when things are hard but running to Him is so much more satisfying, especially when the one who's arms you want to run to is the one who caused that feeling of needing to run. Right now, I just feel like hopping in my car, driving off, and never looking back. I know He'll be with me the whole way, helping me find myself in the process.

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Well, I saw him again this weekend. It wasn't for very long which I think was good for me. I just can't stop thinking about him and the things he says to me. He tells me to come home; that he's totally willing to pick me up from the bus stop if I don't want to drive home. It's when he says things like that when I start to think that maybe I do mean something more to him than just another girl who likes to sit on his lap. But then he brags about other girls and I want to smack him. Somehow I trust him, knowing that I shouldn't. But how can I not? He listens to me and actually seems to hear me. He looks at me and seems to actually see me. He holds me and makes me feel safer than I feel at any other time. He's the one I want to turn to when I feel like nothing is going right. How has he done that? How has he managed to get under my skin like this? It scares the living daylights out of me. But I can't help but to want to spend more time with him. I want that one on one time that makes me feel like everything is okay with us. I want to feel his arms around me, shielding me from every single thing that could possibly go wrong. I want him to be the reason that I write happy stories. I can't do it anymore though. I've cried over him more times that I want to. He's caused me more pain than he'll ever know. The worst part though? He has absolutely no idea. I just want him to see that there is something so much better for him out there. If it's not me, fine. I just want to see him happy. But I can't stress about him anymore. It's distracting from some other possibly great things going on in my life. I've lost myself from worrying/caring/stressing about him. I need to find me again. I think I'm on my way but I'm not fully there yet. I have no idea how long it'll take me to get there. But I know I will. I just hope it's not him where I find myself. I don't know how to handle that.

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Why the hell do I do this to myself? I let him get under my skin and then I get upset with him and myself. I hate myself for letting him do this to me and I hate him for actually being the one to do this to me. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like nothing will be right again because everything is so screwed up right now. I've gotten my hopes up by thinking about all of those little things and then he does one more little thing that just overshadows all of the good little things. I'M TIRED OF IT. He doesn't deserve this much of my attention. Okay, maybe one guy does. But he doesn't realize that he does. I don't know how to forget the one guy and move on to this other one. I don't know how to let go and that is probably the hardest thing I've had to realize. He means so much to me and I don't know how to let go of that. Because like I've said, I care too much about people. That's just what I do. I can't just suddenly one day say "oh no, I don't care about him anymore" because it would be a lie. I just hate hurting like this. It's not fair to me. He makes me so mad I just want to yell. I don't yell at people. So how do I let him know how upset I am with him? I know people will tell me to just yell but I can't. I've never yelled at anyone...it's just not who I am. I'm just beyond tired of feeling like this. I deserve to be happy. So I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I'm angry/upset/sad/disappointed. I'm just a tangled mess of emotions right now.

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Once again I don't know what to do with myself. He's coming up Friday so the question is...do I see him or don't I? Benefits of seeing him: I'd be happy for those few moments we're together, we'd get to talk, I might actually get to tell him everything. Cons of seeing him: I'd be upset as soon as he left, I'd start crying if I told him everything, I might lose that friendship we've built up. I don't want to lose that friendship. I can't just have put myself through all of this just so I can go and ruin it by telling him how I feel. I just hate that I've fallen for him so hard and he has absolutely no idea. There's a line in the song I'm listening to that seems quite appropriate for the situation. It says "I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Well, I'd honestly rather feel nothing at all than hurt like I am. It's not a good feeling. I feel so completely and utterly lost right now it's getting a little ridiculous. I know I'll come out of this stronger but what if I can't handle being any stronger than I am? It's so hard trusting that God is doing this for a reason...that He is giving me only what I can handle. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't the end because everything isn't okay yet but I'm ready for it to be the end. I just want things to be okay...I want to stop hurting. I want my greatest strength to stop being my greatest weakness. I want to find someone who can understand that and appreciate it. Then I start thinking about the way he kept looking at me yesterday. All of those side glances and little smirks. The way he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about when I would ask him what the looks were for. The way he draws me closer to him when we cuddle. Those are things that keep me wondering; the things that give me that little bit of hope. There are often times I have to tell myself that they mean nothing because if I think about them and start to think that they actually mean something it just hurts so much more when he does something else to completely negate those little things. I bear the burden of extremely strong emotions, a broken heart that still manages to beat with all of the pieces, and the ability to care about someone on a deeper level. Or are these strengths? I haven't quite figured that out and I hope that when I do, I will be able to use them to my advantage. I really just need to find myself right now. I'm not sure where that will lead me but I'm ready to find out. I'm lost right now and it's not a good feeling. Once upon a time I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. At least I've found that out before it's too late.

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I know I just posted last night...but I need to again. I went to breakfast with D this morning. I'm so glad I got to spend some time with him but I'm all out of sorts now. He joined the air force. I didn't know what to say when he told me. I still don't know what to say. I'm happy that he's realized what he's supposed to be doing but I'm having a hard time comprehending it. He leaves in February for four months of basic training in Texas. No big deal right? Wrong. If he's shipped out, he's gone for six years. How am I supposed to handle that? He knows me better than most people do. What if I lose him? I don't know what I would do with myself. I would probably have a break down as soon as I found out. I'm just feeling completely and utterly lost right now. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I don't want to even risk losing him. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know I need to be there for him and support him but that's extremely hard right now with the thought of him leaving on my mind. How do I do it? How do I handle this and support him without breaking out in tears every time I think about it? I don't know what to do now.

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Sometimes I just want to tell her to stay away from you. But then I remember that I don't really have a right to do that. You're not mine after all. I just can't help but feel that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I have a reason to be jealous. But again...do I have a right to be jealous? In "Breakfast At Tiffany's" Audrey Hepburn's character tries to argue that people don't belong to each other but the guy who is in lover with her argues that people do belong to each other. I'm not sure who I agree with. I know I can't say that you belong to me and I belong to you but I can't lie, it sounds nice. Then I keep thinking about it. I don't know if it's fair to say that someone "belongs" to someone else. I know you can belong with someone but can you really belong to someone? To belong to is defined as: to be the property of. Well, there's another definition too: to be a part of. To be a part of sounds a lot better than to be the property of. That makes a lot more sense in these terms. But who is to say that is the definition? I'd like to think it is because that would make things a little easier to understand. I'm not about to have someone think that I am their property and I don't want someone to be my property. I'd rather have their heart than their physical sense of self. A heart means so much more to me. I've realized that's my greatest strength but my greatest downfall at the same time. I've always cared too much...followed my heart more than I've followed my head. Many times that has brought me happiness. But many times it has also brought me heart ache. I often rely on my heart to give me an answer. Well, what if I need to start listening to my head? Would it save me from some of that heartache this time? Right now, my heart is telling me not to give up on him but my head is telling me that I need to focus on me...and while I'm worrying about him I can't do that. He's one of my closest friends though. How do I keep that but give up my feelings for him? I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I know things happen for a reason but I'd like to be able to know what the best decision is so I can save myself the pain and tears that I know will come depending on my decision. I'm ready to say it but I don't know if he's ready to hear it. Well, he might just have to deal with it because right now, I'm at my breaking point. I can't take it anymore.

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Well, the cycle is happening again. I've let it go on longer this time though. When am I ever going to tell him that I can't take it anymore? I don't want to be that girl he calls when he's drunk. I'd much rather be that girl he calls when he's completely sober, just to catch up. I don't know if I'll ever be that girl and honestly, I'm not sure I want to wait around to see. I know a lot of people will say, "Well, at least you know he's thinking about you." Yes, that is true but why does it take alcohol for him to act on it? I also know that I'm not the only one he calls when he's drunk so why would it be special for him to call me? I know this isn't a fairy tale and I don't want it to be. But it would make things so much wasier if he had at least an inkling of the effect he has on me. He won't have any idea until I tell him though. I'm not ready for that and I seriously doubt he's ready for that either. So where do I go from here? Do I wait around until he's ready to hear it or do I find someone else? Well, there kind of is someone else so do I focus on him and where that's headed? I just wish someone would tell me what the right thing is to do because it would make things so much easier. At the same time, I know this is just going to make me that much stronger. I know I'll figure it out...I just wish it didn't give me a headache to do so. Then I start thinking...do I really want those drunk calls to end? After all, they're the only other time I hear from him besides facebook messages. But I know I deserve more than that. I deserve a guy who will actually talk to me when he's sober because he wants to. I'm seeing him this weekend and I'm kind of anxious. It'll be the first time in three weeks. And last time I saw him I ended up crying half the way back to school. I don't want that to happen again. I'm so tired of crying over guys. Why is it always like this? I'm so ready to find a good guy who won't make me cry.

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I'm looking at old pictures of us and it's kinda of breaking my heart. Our smiles and the way we leaned towards each other in all of them. Where did we go wrong? Was it because I didn't say something sooner? Or were you lying when you said you had feelings for me just so I wouldn't feel like an idiot for falling for you? You were my inspiration for almost two years. I hate that I can't find that inspiration in you any more. But I'm kind of glad that I'm finding that inspiration in myself now. I feel a little stronger since I let go of you. The only thing? I feel like we've lost that friendship over the last few months. I know we text every once in a while but it used to be so much more than that. We used to see each other at least twice a week. Now it's a miracle if we see each other once when I come home. I miss how I used to tell you everything and ask your advice on everything. I know I still can but it just doesn't feel the same. I've lost a lot of people in my life and I don't want you to be just another name on that list. I want you to be in my life for a long time...I just don't know if that's healthy for me right now. I'm trying to be even stronger and find myself right now. I know that has to happen before I can find him, the one I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life. I know he's out there, I have absolutely no doubt about that. I don't know how long it's going to take to find him but I will eventually. I thought once upon a time that you were him. You obviously weren't...and you warned me about that in your own way. I should have listened to you. I know you say you'll always be there for me but how am I supposed to believe that when I don't hear from you for weeks at a time? You hurt me...really bad. I don't think I have ever felt that much pain before. Of course, I had never felt so strongly about someone so that might explain it. But still...you hurt me. I haven't been able to get over that and I don't know what it's going to take for me to be able to. Eventually I will get over it but right now, I'm still hurting.

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Ok, he's a good guy...one of the best guys I know. So why am I surprised that I fell for him? I shouldn't be. He treats me well, knows exactly what to say,and makes me tremble at the slightest touch. He's the one I come home to see, the one who's smile drives me crazy, the one I worry about so much. It's been two years since I've felt this way about someone and I don't know how to react. My feelings for him have gotten a lot deeper and stronger over the last ten months. Something about him just keeps pulling me back. My heart is a tangled mess because I I don't need someone in my life who makes me worry so much. I know I need to be worrying about myself more right now. I also know that there are some great guys in my life who don't worry me nearly as much as he does. But how can I just push these feelings aside for someone I don't feel nearly as passionate about? Then again, what's the point in feeling like this when doesn't know/doesn't feel the same? I know there's a simple solution; I could just tell him. But how? How do I tell him that over the past ten months every phone call affects me more, every hug makes me feel safer than I ever have, and that every slight brush of his hand makes me tremble more? That's not something you just blurt out. I want him to know but I don't want to scare him off. Lately he's been the guy who isn't with one girl for a significant amount of time and I seriously doubt that I will be the one to change that. I know that I'll never know how he really feels until I tell him but last time I tried that...it bombed. I don't want to put a label on this, that's not my intent at all, but I just want to know. I don't want to be just another notch in his bedpost. I want to be something that means more to him. I want to be the one he looks forward to seeing, the one he doesn't want to let go of, the one who makes him see that true love does still exist. I'm not sure that will ever happen but a girl can dream right? I know he's hurting and I hate it. But I know he's coping with it in his own way. I guess I'm just not used to being this close to a guy...or at least not a guy like him. Right now I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. I like him and I want to be with him but I can't...not until he moves past this. I don't know how long that's going to take. So do I wait for him? Or do I find someone else? I just don't know. My heart is just a tangled web of feelings.

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I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I saw C about a week and a half ago after six years of not seeing him. He's definitely changed for the better. I don't think I've ever heard him talk as much as he did. Aside from that a lot of things have been changing. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends who are gonna be at App with me next year. That's been good because I know that I'll have a lot of fun with them next year. On the other hand I haven't been spending a lot of time with my other friends which I kind of feel bad about but if we're meant to be friends it will all work out. I'm a little frustrated now. I keep thinking that I've found a great guy...then somehow he lets me down. I don't know why I always expect more out of guys than I should. If I don't expect anything then there's no way they can let me down. Well, a new guy (okay he's not new cause I've known him for about two years now) is coming into the picture. I'm not sure what I think about him cause I've always just seen him as a friend. He's a great guy though. He really is. I'm gonna try to give him a chance because I mean I've been let down so much before that at least if he lets me down at least I'll know how to deal with it. Okay, I'm done ranting and raving now. Final exams are upon me so I've got to go study!

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Well, summer is finally here. Actually it's been here for a while for me but finally all of the seniors are done. Congratulations to the class of '09! It's exciting, right? I'm glad that I finally have a job. It's definitely keeping me from being bored every single day this summer. I have orientation next friday and I am soooo excited. I'll get to register for classes and take that last step towards officially being a student at Appalachian State :) I'm not quite sure when I'll move into my apartment. That really depends on when everyone else is going up. Most of my friends are leaving on August 15th but I can start moving my stuff in on the 10th. I doubt I'll actually go up that early though. I've started my novel! I'm really excited about it too. I don't have that much of it written yet but it's definitely doing somewhere. My goal is to finish it by the end of the summer but I don't know if that's actually going to happen. I just want to be able to finish it eventually and I will be very happy. It's been a rough road getting to the point where I have finally been able to find that inspiration inside myself. But I've found it and I don't think I could be happier. Things are changing in my life and it's definitely for the better. Keep me in your prayers :)

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Well, it's official, I am transferring to App. I've been up there quite a bit lately and I fall in love with it more and more every time. Not only have the mountains inspired me but there are a few people up there who have started to inspire me too. I'm working on two new stories and I'm really excited about them. I'm hoping that one of them will turn into my novel that I've been trying to write for years now. I'm just glad that the one inspiration I had when I was still in Greensboro isn't my sole inspiration anymore. I don't have to depend on him to make me feel like there's something worth writing. I'm not gonna post them until I'm done with them though. I've found that posting them before they're done puts too much pressure on me to finish it and make it a really good story that everyone will like. Should I finish these stories, this is the first place where they will appear. So much has happened this semester that I'm hoping I have enough creativity left in me to finish them.

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