Saying goodbye?
Why can't I get my head around the fact that he's leaving? There are times where it hits me hard that I only have four months left with him and I cry for hours. Then there are times where I just can't wait to see him the next time I'm home and the thought of him leaving doesn't even cross my mind. He's been such a big part of my life for such a long time now that it's almost incomprehensible that it all might change in just a few months. I'm not ready to say bye. Usually we say it's just "see you later" but I can't say that this time. What if I don't see him again? I wish that thought had never crossed my mind but when it comes to dealing with these things...my mind comes up with all of the worst possibilities ever. I can't begin to tell you how many times he has been my light at the end of the tunnel, how many times he has rescued me, or how many of my memories include him. Now I have to let that go and pretend that I'm not hurting. Of course I'm happy for him. Of course I'm proud of him. I just can't imagine my life without him. I'm not saying that he won't be a part of my life anymore. He just won't be there every time I go home. I won't be able to text him at any moment because his advice is the only advice I'll listen to. Sure, I'll still have pictures and memories but the pictures don't do him justice and the memories don't make him be here with me, telling me that everything will be okay. I love our imperfect relationship. I love the way he's always excited to see me. I love his infectious smile. I love how even when I'm having what feels like the worst day of my life, he can somehow make me smile. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? Why do I keep going back to him? This makes no sense.
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