Hopeless dreams?
Well, the cycle is happening again. I've let it go on longer this time though. When am I ever going to tell him that I can't take it anymore? I don't want to be that girl he calls when he's drunk. I'd much rather be that girl he calls when he's completely sober, just to catch up. I don't know if I'll ever be that girl and honestly, I'm not sure I want to wait around to see. I know a lot of people will say, "Well, at least you know he's thinking about you." Yes, that is true but why does it take alcohol for him to act on it? I also know that I'm not the only one he calls when he's drunk so why would it be special for him to call me? I know this isn't a fairy tale and I don't want it to be. But it would make things so much wasier if he had at least an inkling of the effect he has on me. He won't have any idea until I tell him though. I'm not ready for that and I seriously doubt he's ready for that either. So where do I go from here? Do I wait around until he's ready to hear it or do I find someone else? Well, there kind of is someone else so do I focus on him and where that's headed? I just wish someone would tell me what the right thing is to do because it would make things so much easier. At the same time, I know this is just going to make me that much stronger. I know I'll figure it out...I just wish it didn't give me a headache to do so. Then I start thinking...do I really want those drunk calls to end? After all, they're the only other time I hear from him besides facebook messages. But I know I deserve more than that. I deserve a guy who will actually talk to me when he's sober because he wants to. I'm seeing him this weekend and I'm kind of anxious. It'll be the first time in three weeks. And last time I saw him I ended up crying half the way back to school. I don't want that to happen again. I'm so tired of crying over guys. Why is it always like this? I'm so ready to find a good guy who won't make me cry.
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