Strengths vs. weaknesses
Once again I don't know what to do with myself. He's coming up Friday so the question is...do I see him or don't I? Benefits of seeing him: I'd be happy for those few moments we're together, we'd get to talk, I might actually get to tell him everything. Cons of seeing him: I'd be upset as soon as he left, I'd start crying if I told him everything, I might lose that friendship we've built up. I don't want to lose that friendship. I can't just have put myself through all of this just so I can go and ruin it by telling him how I feel. I just hate that I've fallen for him so hard and he has absolutely no idea. There's a line in the song I'm listening to that seems quite appropriate for the situation. It says "I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Well, I'd honestly rather feel nothing at all than hurt like I am. It's not a good feeling. I feel so completely and utterly lost right now it's getting a little ridiculous. I know I'll come out of this stronger but what if I can't handle being any stronger than I am? It's so hard trusting that God is doing this for a reason...that He is giving me only what I can handle. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't the end because everything isn't okay yet but I'm ready for it to be the end. I just want things to be okay...I want to stop hurting. I want my greatest strength to stop being my greatest weakness. I want to find someone who can understand that and appreciate it. Then I start thinking about the way he kept looking at me yesterday. All of those side glances and little smirks. The way he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about when I would ask him what the looks were for. The way he draws me closer to him when we cuddle. Those are things that keep me wondering; the things that give me that little bit of hope. There are often times I have to tell myself that they mean nothing because if I think about them and start to think that they actually mean something it just hurts so much more when he does something else to completely negate those little things. I bear the burden of extremely strong emotions, a broken heart that still manages to beat with all of the pieces, and the ability to care about someone on a deeper level. Or are these strengths? I haven't quite figured that out and I hope that when I do, I will be able to use them to my advantage. I really just need to find myself right now. I'm not sure where that will lead me but I'm ready to find out. I'm lost right now and it's not a good feeling. Once upon a time I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. At least I've found that out before it's too late.
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