Faith in times of stress
Last night was one of those nights when I feel so alone it's ridiculous. It was just a feeling of being alone in the physical sense either. I felt alone in every way possible. I haven't had to sleep with my body pillow beside me in a long time but I did last night just so I could create at least a false sense of having someone beside me, someone for me to wrap myself around. It's been four weeks since the last time I've actually had someone beside me all night long. It's a horrible feeling to feel like there isn't anyone there. Before him I had no trouble sleeping through the night. But now I wake up at least once, usually just a few hours after going to sleep. I don't know what it is that wakes me up but there's always something telling me to wake up and check my facebook messages...and without a doubt 95% of the time there's one from him. I've never had an on-going conversation with someone for four weeks straight so this is something new for me to actually hear from him consistently. I just wish he knew the effect he has on me. Sometime it's a good one, sometimes it's not. It's always a hit or miss with him. He either makes me really happy or really upset. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what it's going to take for me to find myself again. I know I need to trust God more...that's always been one of my biggest struggles but it's hard to trust Him when it feels like everything is going wrong. Psalm 61:1-4 talks about praying to God when things get rough and how He will be there through it all, He will be the one to protect me from anything that could possibly harm me. I haven't been letting him though. I've been trying to prove that there is a physical being who could protect me like He does. I was so wrong it's crazy. He is the only one who could give me the protection I need. Sure, it's nice having someone's arms to physically run to when things are hard but running to Him is so much more satisfying, especially when the one who's arms you want to run to is the one who caused that feeling of needing to run. Right now, I just feel like hopping in my car, driving off, and never looking back. I know He'll be with me the whole way, helping me find myself in the process.
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