Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
Well, I heard from someone I haven't heard from/seen in a long time. See, we had a bit of a falling out back in March and I never thought we'd be okay again. We are though. We talked more tonight than we have in more than a year. It felt good too. She knows what I'm going through and it's good to have someone there who can listen and actually understand. I'm feeling a little better about things. Maybe things with him will work out. They may not work out the way I want, but they will work out the way they're supposed to. I'm just tired of being completely and utterly lost when it comes to him. I deserve to actually mean something to someone, right? I woke up this morning at 3:30 with a feeling telling me to check my facebook messages and once again there was one from him. Why does he have this power over me? This has never happened before. I've never been so hung up on someone that I start getting feelings so strong that they wake me up in the middle of the night because I feel like I'm going to hear from him. He has a knack for that; responding to me at the most inconvenient time. Like at 12:30 right when I've fallen asleep he drunk dials me. Or at 2:30 in the morning he messages me on facebook and something comes over me telling me to wake me up. Except the message is never about the same thing it's about in the dream that undoubtedly wakes me up. The dreams are almost always better than the message I actually get. Why do I continue to expect more out of him than I know I should? That's always been one of my biggest problems. I always expect way too much out of people and then I get let down when nothing turns out the way I expect it to. I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready to find that one person I just can't live without and for him to be the one who treats me well. It's been said that "missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you last talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you." I find that very true. When I came back to school from labor day and I was driving that two hour drive by myself, I missed him because I wanted him right there beside me. I wanted him to be there to talk to me and tell me that everything would be okay. But he is the one person who can't tell me it'll be okay because he is the one causing all of these worries. The one person I need is the one person who will never fully understand. I don't know if he'll understand even a little bit because I don't know how to tell him. I know I need to stop being scared and just get it out there because maybe a little bit of this weight would be lifted off my shoulders but right now that fear is paralyzing me. It's stopping me from tell him outright that I just want to with him. When I'm not with him I miss the way he teases me. When I'm walking by myself I wish he was there to hold my hand. When I go to sleep at night I wish he was there for me to wrap myself around so that maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. I don't know if things will ever be like that for us. I know it won't be anytime soon if it does happen. Now the question is do I wait? If I don't then I sure have wasted a lot of time on him lately. But if I do would it be worth it? How long would I have to wait? Sometimes I just wish things were as easy as making a wish at 11:11 and trusting the universe to take care of it. But nothing is that easy. That's just not the way things are. That's not life.
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