Losing myself and finding me again.
Well, I saw him again this weekend. It wasn't for very long which I think was good for me. I just can't stop thinking about him and the things he says to me. He tells me to come home; that he's totally willing to pick me up from the bus stop if I don't want to drive home. It's when he says things like that when I start to think that maybe I do mean something more to him than just another girl who likes to sit on his lap. But then he brags about other girls and I want to smack him. Somehow I trust him, knowing that I shouldn't. But how can I not? He listens to me and actually seems to hear me. He looks at me and seems to actually see me. He holds me and makes me feel safer than I feel at any other time. He's the one I want to turn to when I feel like nothing is going right. How has he done that? How has he managed to get under my skin like this? It scares the living daylights out of me. But I can't help but to want to spend more time with him. I want that one on one time that makes me feel like everything is okay with us. I want to feel his arms around me, shielding me from every single thing that could possibly go wrong. I want him to be the reason that I write happy stories. I can't do it anymore though. I've cried over him more times that I want to. He's caused me more pain than he'll ever know. The worst part though? He has absolutely no idea. I just want him to see that there is something so much better for him out there. If it's not me, fine. I just want to see him happy. But I can't stress about him anymore. It's distracting from some other possibly great things going on in my life. I've lost myself from worrying/caring/stressing about him. I need to find me again. I think I'm on my way but I'm not fully there yet. I have no idea how long it'll take me to get there. But I know I will. I just hope it's not him where I find myself. I don't know how to handle that.
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