A broken heart soaring once again
It's a rare moment when I feel completely and utterly alone but last night was one of them. I just don't quite know how to handle it. It's been almost two months since I last spoke to him. I go home on Monday for almost a month. Do I purposely see him or do I let fate take its course? One thing I saw on tv last night reminded me of him and I went into a spiral. I started missing him and falling asleep in his arms then I had a dream about him. That just seemed to make everything worse. I couldn't get him off my mind. I had felt so safe with him and trusted him so much and then he just pulled the rug out from under me. I no longer felt safe in my own skin and I had no idea how to handle it. These dreams and thoughts of him have made me start missing him. I was doing so well too. Maybe it's time to face my fears and see him again, but on my terms this time. It's a new year and time for a new me. I mean a whole new me, including but not limited to: new hair, new wardrobe, new body (hopefully). The new hair comes into play this week, right before I see him. It's just that moments like I've been having lately are what make me think that maybe I'm not ready to see him again but I know I need to. It's been about two and a half months since I saw him last and I need him to see just how well I'm doing without him. I need him to see that even though he hurt me, I'm happy without him. Maybe my life is even better without him. I'm moving on, feeling good, and starting to find myself again. I'm finding that writer within, the one who relies on emotions and experiences to produce art. Maybe one day that art will turn into something everyone wants to hear. Maybe my therapy will become someone else's therapy. I'm excited for this part of my life to begin. Hopefully by moving on I can actually figure out what's out there for me. I know it'll happen...I'm just getting impatient. My heart is soaring again though. It's no longer being held down by disappointment and hurt. I'm realizing that I deserve so much more than that.
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