Losing words
It's at night when I feel most alone, most vulnerable, like there's no one out there but me. I feel so lonely sitting here at my computer typing out my feelings for strangers to read, people who will never really understand what it is that is going on in my heart and head. There is no possible way for me to convey exactly how I'm feeling. My heart is at war with my head and honestly, my head is winning for the first time. I'm usually ruled by my emotions, letting my heart win every time, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and holding on to the hope that there is good in everyone. That isn't happening this time though. I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt this time because I've finally realized that he doesn't deserve it. There is a little part of me telling me that maybe he didn't mean what he said; that's my heart talking though. He's a person who always means what he says and I know that. I have to keep telling myself that so I can stay strong in the decision I made. It's not fun going to bed at night and not having anyone to hold you, no one to wrap yourself around. Sadly, now I can't quit thinking if it's really worth to have someone to hold onto for a night. What if they just end up hurting me? I've just run out of words. I'm to the point where I just want to be reckless. I don't know exactly what I want to do but I just want to do something no one would expect me to, something that would take everyone by surprise, something that shows him just how strong I am. I don't need him in my life, and he needs to know that now more than ever.
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