Soaring Heart Creations

I keep running through scenarios in my mind of how it's going to be when I finally see him for the first time in two months, especially after finding out what he said. I want to make him eat his words and get a taste of his own medicine. He deserves it, right? Maybe when all of this if over I can move towards finding that tranquility and serenity I have been searching for in this crazy, strange, mixed up world that I often have problems understanding. Right now is one of those times I'm having major problems understanding it. I just don't get how someone, who I've called a friend for a good three years, could hurt me that much and in the way he did it. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I don't know whether to put my wall back up to protect myself, or if I should leave it down and risk getting hurt again. It's really feeling like I need to put it back up again. I hate to do that because I don't want to become cynical but maybe it's necessary. Maybe I need to stop dreaming and get real. Maybe I need to realize that things don't always turn out the way I want/need them to. I did this when my grandfather died too. I put that wall up because I didn't want to feel anything. I was so tired of hurting that I made myself not feel anything. I'm usually very good at forgiving people, maybe too forgiving at times. I can't do it this time though. He crossed the line and I don't want to be that idiot girl who fell for his charm and sweet talking to make me try to forgive him. It's not going to work this time. I deserve so much better than that. The bright side of this? I can cross one more guy off on my way to finding that one person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I just hope this hasn't hurt me so much that I have problems with accepting that every guy isn't like him, that he's an exception. Lately though, I've realized that I've almost become resentful. I don't have that hope and passion I had before all of this happened. One of my friends told me about a year and a half ago that she didn't understand just how I could continue to love when my heart has been broken so much. At the time it was a simple answer; "I just do." Now, I can't honestly answer it. I have been hurt so much and it honestly make me want to give up. Then again there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me "this isn't you, Emma. You love no matter what." It's right. I'm just having a hard time loving anyone, even myself right now. Will I never love again or do I just need time? It's been said that healing takes courage, we just have to find that courage within ourselves. What if I never find that courage, what then?

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