Tears into words
For a while there I wasn't posting much at all. I think most of that was because I was at an utter loss for words. I've posted since then but I still haven't gotten all of those feelings I had held inside for so long.
Most of my friends know that I am a woman of words. I express myself through writing so being at a loss for words is a rare moment for me. Well that moment came when my best friend left for boot camp for the air force. I had known since about October that he was leaving but believe me, that didn't make it any easier. After he initially told me, I cried for twenty minutes straight. I thought that would be the end of my tears. I was wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night. Again, I thought that would be the end. Again, it wasn't. I cried on my way back to Boone the next day, the entire way (which is a two hour drive from Greensboro). I cried myself to sleep again that night. Slowly but surely I came to accept that he was leaving and that I would be okay. I convinced myself that four months wasn't that long to go without talking to him. In reality, I just set myself up for pain. Before I knew it, he was leaving. His phone was off for the next four months and I was only going to see him one last time. I cried when he went to leave. He hugged me but that just made it worse. I didn't want to let him go. You see, he had become so much a part of me that I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I cried as he looked at me one last time. I cried as he walked out the door. I cried the rest of that night. The tears didn't stop for the next four or five days. During the day I would be fine but the nights seemed to be the most lonely times and the tears would come back. The tears that came weren't silent ones. I would be sobbing into my pillow, hoping to muffle the sounds from my roommates so they wouldn't think I was having a mental breakdown of some sort, though that is what it felt like at some points. Eventually the tears stopped and I could sleep through the night. Then the dreams started. Every night since he's left I've had a dream about him. It's strange for me to have multiple dreams about someone, even him, especially night after night. I wonder if the dreams will stop like the tears stopped. In a way I don't want them to because it lets me see him. On the other hand, I do want them to stop. Though I enjoy seeing him, I wake up and realize that he's not actually here and that makes me miss him even more.
I once told my friends that it's cathartic to have a good cry every once in a while. I've discovered though that after crying hard for five days straight, it loses those healing powers. It just becomes something you dread. I would go to bed at night wondering if I would ever be able to go a day without crying while he's gone. I hope I don't cry again. At least not until he comes back and at least then they will be happy tears.
Then the words came to me. They came and they wouldn't stop. I've written four pages since I got those words back. I'm not done with those words either. They're still coming and turning into something more than I could have ever hoped for. It has made me realize that out of pain comes inspiration. I just need to take the time to cry and grieve before I try to get those words out. I needed to get my thoughts in order and now I have. I can miss him and write at the same time. I can accept that he's gone. But I can also be glad that he'll be returning home at a time when I can actually see him.
