Soaring Heart Creations

I'm tired of caring. Okay, not just caring but caring too much. I care about people too much and I think along the way, I've stopped caring about myself as much as I should. I would do anything to stop my friends from hurting. If I could take away their pain so they wouldn't have to feel that anymore but I can't and I have to accept that. Now I'm hurting and I have no idea who to turn to. I don't know where to go or what to do. I try to show people that I'm strong and that I know that I absolutely did the right thing but what do I do when I start doubting that? I don't know who will understand and sadly, I don't know who I really trust enough to let my guard down in front of like that. He was that one person I could talk to no matter what it was about or what time it was. If I called him at 3 am I knew that he would answer. How do I replace that? Who do I call at 3 am when I wake up crying? Do I find another guy or do I lean on my other friends? I'm so confused. I want to know why I wasn't good enough for him. I want to know how he could go from being so happy when he saw me to dating some other girl and "not knowing how to let me down." That's what he told me...that he's really bad at letting people down. That's his excuse for telling me. Lame excuse right? Completely. I want to be friends with him again...eventually...in the near future. But I don't know if that's going to happen. He hurt me too badly and I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to trust him again. I told him things I had never told anyone else. I trusted him hoping that he wouldn't hurt me like every other guy had. He did hurt me though. I have to move on. I need to find someone I really can trust not to hurt me. I think I deserve at least that. I know I'll find him eventually. I'm just getting a little impatient.

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Well, today is already a good day and it's only 10:30. I got my ticket to see Taking Back Sunday/Anberlin/All American Rejects in November and I couldn't be more excited! So many of the sisters are going to it too and I know it's going to be a lot of fun. And it's actually some what warm outside which is weird for October in Boone. I go home tomorrow and I'm really ready to. I've pretty much already packed. I love Boone but after a while I just get a little claustrophobic and need to get out for a little while. A five day break is just what I need to clear my mind and really sort things out. Now it's just a matter of deciding if I should see him or not. I really want to see him but I'm just not sure if I should. He's really been there for me over the past few days and I couldn't love him more for it but I just don't know if it's a good idea. I'm even more confused now than I was before I told him everything I told him. I know that's just who he is, but would he really drive two hours for any of his friends if they needed him? For some reason I don't think so. I just hope he knows that he can't save me...I have to do that on my own. It's nice to know someone is there for me though if I'm ever feeling lost and alone. I wonder if he really would drive up here to see me if I was having a really bad day and needed to see him. I just don't know if I would be able to ask him to do that for me, no matter how bad my day is/has been. It's a good feeling knowing that I have someone in my life who is there for me no matter what. I'm just glad I didn't scare him away. I think I knew he would be able to handle it, that's really why I told him but it's good to know that he isn't scared to actually talk about it. Most people try to avoid the subject at all costs when I tell them but he's facing it head on. We're good right now and that makes me feel really good about this. No matter what happens, I know that he's gonna be there to listen and talk to me. I could get used to this.

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Well, it's getting colder in Boone. I can tell winter is on its way. With winter comes a whole mess of worries. It's coming up on the three year anniversary of Papaw's death. I'm terrified. I feel like it's been so much longer than three years. My bad days are coming back and I hate it. Most of all, I hate feeling like I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Or at least I used to hate that feeling. But that's gone now. I've found someone who I can talk to about anything. I never thought I would be able to tell someone everything I'm feeling and have them at least try to understand, but he does. He has given me some hope that I'll come out of this and that there will be someone there waiting for me when I do. He even told me that if I need to see someone, even if I'm in Boone, he'll be there the next morning if not that night. I started crying when I read that. I'm not sure why and they weren't sad tears. I guess I just finally realized that I'm not alone, that someone is actually there to be there for me. I could never tell him how grateful I am for that because I haven't been able to actually talk to anyone about it. He told me to call him if I feel sad at all this week. Never in my life have I felt like somebody cares about me so much besides my family and Hannah. At the same time he's making it really hard to get over him. Then again, I don't know if I'm supposed to be getting over him. Some of the things he says and the things he does makes me second guess it. I just need to figure this out.

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One thing I absolutely hate...when people judge me, especially when they're judging me for something they are just as guilty of doing. One of my friends pretty much blasted me out last night for continuing to go back to a guy who keeps hurting me. Well, he's been doing the same thing with the girl he likes. He even texted me over the weekend so hurt by something she did but then they were suddenly okay again. And he's judging me? Right, that makes a bunch of sense...NOT. A piece of advice to everyone, think about it before you go and judge someone. They don't need to hear your criticism. They're telling you things because they need your advice, support, and love. When you tell them that they're dumb for doing something they're just going to shut themselves off from you. You're risking losing a friend. That's what he's done. I'm not going to just sit back and let him tell me I'm like every other girl. I know that I'm not and for him to tell me that I am hurts...especially considering he used to claim he was in love with me. I didn't used to just be another girl in his life. I was the most important girl to him at one point. I think what hurts the most is that his view of me has changed so much. I've now become one of those girls who only pays attention to the guys who hurt me...at least in his eyes I have. I don't tell him half of what's going on in my heart though. How could I though? How the hell do I tell him that I've put up a wall so I don't let myself get hurt? So that maybe the tears will stop falling. So maybe I won't care so much anymore. I'm just confused. He used to be one of the few people I could tell everything to and now I can't even tell him half of what is going on. Who do I turn to now? There aren't many people I tell everything to and those I do tell are at least a few hours away from me. Right now I just need someone to hug me and tell me I'm doing the right thing. That everything will be okay in the end. That he doesn't deserve my time. He doesn't realize that he's just become another guy who has hurt me. Well, I'm taking his advice and not going back to him. Because then maybe I won't be like every other girl. I'm not like every other girl, and anyone who knows me should know that.

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Well, I heard from someone I haven't heard from/seen in a long time. See, we had a bit of a falling out back in March and I never thought we'd be okay again. We are though. We talked more tonight than we have in more than a year. It felt good too. She knows what I'm going through and it's good to have someone there who can listen and actually understand. I'm feeling a little better about things. Maybe things with him will work out. They may not work out the way I want, but they will work out the way they're supposed to. I'm just tired of being completely and utterly lost when it comes to him. I deserve to actually mean something to someone, right? I woke up this morning at 3:30 with a feeling telling me to check my facebook messages and once again there was one from him. Why does he have this power over me? This has never happened before. I've never been so hung up on someone that I start getting feelings so strong that they wake me up in the middle of the night because I feel like I'm going to hear from him. He has a knack for that; responding to me at the most inconvenient time. Like at 12:30 right when I've fallen asleep he drunk dials me. Or at 2:30 in the morning he messages me on facebook and something comes over me telling me to wake me up. Except the message is never about the same thing it's about in the dream that undoubtedly wakes me up. The dreams are almost always better than the message I actually get. Why do I continue to expect more out of him than I know I should? That's always been one of my biggest problems. I always expect way too much out of people and then I get let down when nothing turns out the way I expect it to. I'm ready for this to be over. I'm ready to find that one person I just can't live without and for him to be the one who treats me well. It's been said that "missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you last talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you." I find that very true. When I came back to school from labor day and I was driving that two hour drive by myself, I missed him because I wanted him right there beside me. I wanted him to be there to talk to me and tell me that everything would be okay. But he is the one person who can't tell me it'll be okay because he is the one causing all of these worries. The one person I need is the one person who will never fully understand. I don't know if he'll understand even a little bit because I don't know how to tell him. I know I need to stop being scared and just get it out there because maybe a little bit of this weight would be lifted off my shoulders but right now that fear is paralyzing me. It's stopping me from tell him outright that I just want to with him. When I'm not with him I miss the way he teases me. When I'm walking by myself I wish he was there to hold my hand. When I go to sleep at night I wish he was there for me to wrap myself around so that maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. I don't know if things will ever be like that for us. I know it won't be anytime soon if it does happen. Now the question is do I wait? If I don't then I sure have wasted a lot of time on him lately. But if I do would it be worth it? How long would I have to wait? Sometimes I just wish things were as easy as making a wish at 11:11 and trusting the universe to take care of it. But nothing is that easy. That's just not the way things are. That's not life.

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Last night was one of those nights when I feel so alone it's ridiculous. It was just a feeling of being alone in the physical sense either. I felt alone in every way possible. I haven't had to sleep with my body pillow beside me in a long time but I did last night just so I could create at least a false sense of having someone beside me, someone for me to wrap myself around. It's been four weeks since the last time I've actually had someone beside me all night long. It's a horrible feeling to feel like there isn't anyone there. Before him I had no trouble sleeping through the night. But now I wake up at least once, usually just a few hours after going to sleep. I don't know what it is that wakes me up but there's always something telling me to wake up and check my facebook messages...and without a doubt 95% of the time there's one from him. I've never had an on-going conversation with someone for four weeks straight so this is something new for me to actually hear from him consistently. I just wish he knew the effect he has on me. Sometime it's a good one, sometimes it's not. It's always a hit or miss with him. He either makes me really happy or really upset. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what it's going to take for me to find myself again. I know I need to trust God more...that's always been one of my biggest struggles but it's hard to trust Him when it feels like everything is going wrong. Psalm 61:1-4 talks about praying to God when things get rough and how He will be there through it all, He will be the one to protect me from anything that could possibly harm me. I haven't been letting him though. I've been trying to prove that there is a physical being who could protect me like He does. I was so wrong it's crazy. He is the only one who could give me the protection I need. Sure, it's nice having someone's arms to physically run to when things are hard but running to Him is so much more satisfying, especially when the one who's arms you want to run to is the one who caused that feeling of needing to run. Right now, I just feel like hopping in my car, driving off, and never looking back. I know He'll be with me the whole way, helping me find myself in the process.

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Well, I saw him again this weekend. It wasn't for very long which I think was good for me. I just can't stop thinking about him and the things he says to me. He tells me to come home; that he's totally willing to pick me up from the bus stop if I don't want to drive home. It's when he says things like that when I start to think that maybe I do mean something more to him than just another girl who likes to sit on his lap. But then he brags about other girls and I want to smack him. Somehow I trust him, knowing that I shouldn't. But how can I not? He listens to me and actually seems to hear me. He looks at me and seems to actually see me. He holds me and makes me feel safer than I feel at any other time. He's the one I want to turn to when I feel like nothing is going right. How has he done that? How has he managed to get under my skin like this? It scares the living daylights out of me. But I can't help but to want to spend more time with him. I want that one on one time that makes me feel like everything is okay with us. I want to feel his arms around me, shielding me from every single thing that could possibly go wrong. I want him to be the reason that I write happy stories. I can't do it anymore though. I've cried over him more times that I want to. He's caused me more pain than he'll ever know. The worst part though? He has absolutely no idea. I just want him to see that there is something so much better for him out there. If it's not me, fine. I just want to see him happy. But I can't stress about him anymore. It's distracting from some other possibly great things going on in my life. I've lost myself from worrying/caring/stressing about him. I need to find me again. I think I'm on my way but I'm not fully there yet. I have no idea how long it'll take me to get there. But I know I will. I just hope it's not him where I find myself. I don't know how to handle that.

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