Soaring Heart Creations

Why the hell do I do this to myself? I let him get under my skin and then I get upset with him and myself. I hate myself for letting him do this to me and I hate him for actually being the one to do this to me. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like nothing will be right again because everything is so screwed up right now. I've gotten my hopes up by thinking about all of those little things and then he does one more little thing that just overshadows all of the good little things. I'M TIRED OF IT. He doesn't deserve this much of my attention. Okay, maybe one guy does. But he doesn't realize that he does. I don't know how to forget the one guy and move on to this other one. I don't know how to let go and that is probably the hardest thing I've had to realize. He means so much to me and I don't know how to let go of that. Because like I've said, I care too much about people. That's just what I do. I can't just suddenly one day say "oh no, I don't care about him anymore" because it would be a lie. I just hate hurting like this. It's not fair to me. He makes me so mad I just want to yell. I don't yell at people. So how do I let him know how upset I am with him? I know people will tell me to just yell but I can't. I've never yelled at anyone...it's just not who I am. I'm just beyond tired of feeling like this. I deserve to be happy. So I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I'm angry/upset/sad/disappointed. I'm just a tangled mess of emotions right now.

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Once again I don't know what to do with myself. He's coming up Friday so the question is...do I see him or don't I? Benefits of seeing him: I'd be happy for those few moments we're together, we'd get to talk, I might actually get to tell him everything. Cons of seeing him: I'd be upset as soon as he left, I'd start crying if I told him everything, I might lose that friendship we've built up. I don't want to lose that friendship. I can't just have put myself through all of this just so I can go and ruin it by telling him how I feel. I just hate that I've fallen for him so hard and he has absolutely no idea. There's a line in the song I'm listening to that seems quite appropriate for the situation. It says "I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Well, I'd honestly rather feel nothing at all than hurt like I am. It's not a good feeling. I feel so completely and utterly lost right now it's getting a little ridiculous. I know I'll come out of this stronger but what if I can't handle being any stronger than I am? It's so hard trusting that God is doing this for a reason...that He is giving me only what I can handle. I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't the end because everything isn't okay yet but I'm ready for it to be the end. I just want things to be okay...I want to stop hurting. I want my greatest strength to stop being my greatest weakness. I want to find someone who can understand that and appreciate it. Then I start thinking about the way he kept looking at me yesterday. All of those side glances and little smirks. The way he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about when I would ask him what the looks were for. The way he draws me closer to him when we cuddle. Those are things that keep me wondering; the things that give me that little bit of hope. There are often times I have to tell myself that they mean nothing because if I think about them and start to think that they actually mean something it just hurts so much more when he does something else to completely negate those little things. I bear the burden of extremely strong emotions, a broken heart that still manages to beat with all of the pieces, and the ability to care about someone on a deeper level. Or are these strengths? I haven't quite figured that out and I hope that when I do, I will be able to use them to my advantage. I really just need to find myself right now. I'm not sure where that will lead me but I'm ready to find out. I'm lost right now and it's not a good feeling. Once upon a time I thought I knew myself but I really didn't. At least I've found that out before it's too late.

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I know I just posted last night...but I need to again. I went to breakfast with D this morning. I'm so glad I got to spend some time with him but I'm all out of sorts now. He joined the air force. I didn't know what to say when he told me. I still don't know what to say. I'm happy that he's realized what he's supposed to be doing but I'm having a hard time comprehending it. He leaves in February for four months of basic training in Texas. No big deal right? Wrong. If he's shipped out, he's gone for six years. How am I supposed to handle that? He knows me better than most people do. What if I lose him? I don't know what I would do with myself. I would probably have a break down as soon as I found out. I'm just feeling completely and utterly lost right now. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I don't want to even risk losing him. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know I need to be there for him and support him but that's extremely hard right now with the thought of him leaving on my mind. How do I do it? How do I handle this and support him without breaking out in tears every time I think about it? I don't know what to do now.

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Sometimes I just want to tell her to stay away from you. But then I remember that I don't really have a right to do that. You're not mine after all. I just can't help but feel that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I have a reason to be jealous. But again...do I have a right to be jealous? In "Breakfast At Tiffany's" Audrey Hepburn's character tries to argue that people don't belong to each other but the guy who is in lover with her argues that people do belong to each other. I'm not sure who I agree with. I know I can't say that you belong to me and I belong to you but I can't lie, it sounds nice. Then I keep thinking about it. I don't know if it's fair to say that someone "belongs" to someone else. I know you can belong with someone but can you really belong to someone? To belong to is defined as: to be the property of. Well, there's another definition too: to be a part of. To be a part of sounds a lot better than to be the property of. That makes a lot more sense in these terms. But who is to say that is the definition? I'd like to think it is because that would make things a little easier to understand. I'm not about to have someone think that I am their property and I don't want someone to be my property. I'd rather have their heart than their physical sense of self. A heart means so much more to me. I've realized that's my greatest strength but my greatest downfall at the same time. I've always cared too much...followed my heart more than I've followed my head. Many times that has brought me happiness. But many times it has also brought me heart ache. I often rely on my heart to give me an answer. Well, what if I need to start listening to my head? Would it save me from some of that heartache this time? Right now, my heart is telling me not to give up on him but my head is telling me that I need to focus on me...and while I'm worrying about him I can't do that. He's one of my closest friends though. How do I keep that but give up my feelings for him? I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I know things happen for a reason but I'd like to be able to know what the best decision is so I can save myself the pain and tears that I know will come depending on my decision. I'm ready to say it but I don't know if he's ready to hear it. Well, he might just have to deal with it because right now, I'm at my breaking point. I can't take it anymore.

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Well, the cycle is happening again. I've let it go on longer this time though. When am I ever going to tell him that I can't take it anymore? I don't want to be that girl he calls when he's drunk. I'd much rather be that girl he calls when he's completely sober, just to catch up. I don't know if I'll ever be that girl and honestly, I'm not sure I want to wait around to see. I know a lot of people will say, "Well, at least you know he's thinking about you." Yes, that is true but why does it take alcohol for him to act on it? I also know that I'm not the only one he calls when he's drunk so why would it be special for him to call me? I know this isn't a fairy tale and I don't want it to be. But it would make things so much wasier if he had at least an inkling of the effect he has on me. He won't have any idea until I tell him though. I'm not ready for that and I seriously doubt he's ready for that either. So where do I go from here? Do I wait around until he's ready to hear it or do I find someone else? Well, there kind of is someone else so do I focus on him and where that's headed? I just wish someone would tell me what the right thing is to do because it would make things so much easier. At the same time, I know this is just going to make me that much stronger. I know I'll figure it out...I just wish it didn't give me a headache to do so. Then I start thinking...do I really want those drunk calls to end? After all, they're the only other time I hear from him besides facebook messages. But I know I deserve more than that. I deserve a guy who will actually talk to me when he's sober because he wants to. I'm seeing him this weekend and I'm kind of anxious. It'll be the first time in three weeks. And last time I saw him I ended up crying half the way back to school. I don't want that to happen again. I'm so tired of crying over guys. Why is it always like this? I'm so ready to find a good guy who won't make me cry.

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I'm looking at old pictures of us and it's kinda of breaking my heart. Our smiles and the way we leaned towards each other in all of them. Where did we go wrong? Was it because I didn't say something sooner? Or were you lying when you said you had feelings for me just so I wouldn't feel like an idiot for falling for you? You were my inspiration for almost two years. I hate that I can't find that inspiration in you any more. But I'm kind of glad that I'm finding that inspiration in myself now. I feel a little stronger since I let go of you. The only thing? I feel like we've lost that friendship over the last few months. I know we text every once in a while but it used to be so much more than that. We used to see each other at least twice a week. Now it's a miracle if we see each other once when I come home. I miss how I used to tell you everything and ask your advice on everything. I know I still can but it just doesn't feel the same. I've lost a lot of people in my life and I don't want you to be just another name on that list. I want you to be in my life for a long time...I just don't know if that's healthy for me right now. I'm trying to be even stronger and find myself right now. I know that has to happen before I can find him, the one I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life. I know he's out there, I have absolutely no doubt about that. I don't know how long it's going to take to find him but I will eventually. I thought once upon a time that you were him. You obviously weren't...and you warned me about that in your own way. I should have listened to you. I know you say you'll always be there for me but how am I supposed to believe that when I don't hear from you for weeks at a time? You hurt me...really bad. I don't think I have ever felt that much pain before. Of course, I had never felt so strongly about someone so that might explain it. But still...you hurt me. I haven't been able to get over that and I don't know what it's going to take for me to be able to. Eventually I will get over it but right now, I'm still hurting.

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Ok, he's a good guy...one of the best guys I know. So why am I surprised that I fell for him? I shouldn't be. He treats me well, knows exactly what to say,and makes me tremble at the slightest touch. He's the one I come home to see, the one who's smile drives me crazy, the one I worry about so much. It's been two years since I've felt this way about someone and I don't know how to react. My feelings for him have gotten a lot deeper and stronger over the last ten months. Something about him just keeps pulling me back. My heart is a tangled mess because I I don't need someone in my life who makes me worry so much. I know I need to be worrying about myself more right now. I also know that there are some great guys in my life who don't worry me nearly as much as he does. But how can I just push these feelings aside for someone I don't feel nearly as passionate about? Then again, what's the point in feeling like this when doesn't know/doesn't feel the same? I know there's a simple solution; I could just tell him. But how? How do I tell him that over the past ten months every phone call affects me more, every hug makes me feel safer than I ever have, and that every slight brush of his hand makes me tremble more? That's not something you just blurt out. I want him to know but I don't want to scare him off. Lately he's been the guy who isn't with one girl for a significant amount of time and I seriously doubt that I will be the one to change that. I know that I'll never know how he really feels until I tell him but last time I tried that...it bombed. I don't want to put a label on this, that's not my intent at all, but I just want to know. I don't want to be just another notch in his bedpost. I want to be something that means more to him. I want to be the one he looks forward to seeing, the one he doesn't want to let go of, the one who makes him see that true love does still exist. I'm not sure that will ever happen but a girl can dream right? I know he's hurting and I hate it. But I know he's coping with it in his own way. I guess I'm just not used to being this close to a guy...or at least not a guy like him. Right now I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. I like him and I want to be with him but I can't...not until he moves past this. I don't know how long that's going to take. So do I wait for him? Or do I find someone else? I just don't know. My heart is just a tangled web of feelings.

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