Soaring Heart Creations

Well, it's a new day and I am feeling oddly refreshed. I've had a good life so why am I continuously complaining? There are people in Haiti who will never have a normal life again and I'm over here complaining about how someone hurt me. We all get hurt sometimes and we just have to deal with it. There's a song by The Script called "Breakeven" and one of the lines in it says "when a heart breaks, it don't break even." Unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to that. One of my friends made a good point about it though. He told me that even though you heart might not break even, it can be healed. He's very right about that. You just have to take it one breath, one step, one day at a time. It's going to take time for my heart to heal but I know that I've got some pretty awesome people standing by my side helping me through it. I'm trying to talk to God and spend as much time with Him as possible because I know that He is the one who will get me through this. I can't do it on my own. I've finally realized that this is Him giving me the opportunity to be strong. I've been asking for strength and this is my opportunity. He knows that I am stronger than I believe; I just have to go through situations that give me the chance to put that strength into action. I won't be swayed anymore because I know who is watching out for me.

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For the past few weeks I have been searching for some sense of peace and honestly, I've been getting a little impatient. Well, on Thursday last week I had a really bad night because I was at my apartment alone and when I'm alone I tend to think about things a little too much. The next day though I got a message from a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while. Apparently God had put me on her heart the night before so she had been praying for me. It's like wshe knew exactly what was wrong without me having to say anything. I told her what had been going on and she gave me a few passages in the bible to read. I related to the stories so much that I knew then that God is trying to do something amazing in my life. He is getting rid of all of the bad relationships in my life and even though it hurts right now, in the long run it will be so worth it. I now know that I am not alone like I've felt for the past few months. God has been there for me the whole time; I just haven't been giving Him the time of day. He wants me to be happy and live my life for Him. I don't know why it took me this long to realize it but I'm glad I have. He deserves so much more attention than I've been giving Him. After all, He is the one who gave me life. That peace has finally been brought into my life because I know what needs to be done and who I need to be concentrating on. I feel so much better than I have in a long time. His work is just beginning and I cannot wait to see what else He has planned for me because I have a feeling it's going to be amazing.

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The trees are covered in ice and somehow the ice around my heart has melted. I'm not simply angry anymore. I'm finally letting myself feel that pain. It's not fun either. My eyes are puffy from the tears and I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. You used to be that; the person I would turn to when I was feeling my worst. Now I wouldn't tell you my favorite color if you wanted to know.

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I decided a while ago that he wouldn't be in my life as much as he used to for the sake of my sanity. So why did I cry when he told me he's leaving? That day is coming up quickly and I wish I could take back all of those words I said last year. He's broken my heart more times than I can count but then he goes and puts it back together. He's distant and then he's always there. He's hot then he's cold. He's up and he's down. And yes, I know I just quoted Katy Perry. That song is our relationship though. It's back and forth, good and bad, boring and exciting, predictable and completely surprising. He's the one I always run to no matter what. Lately though I've been thinking that maybe him leaving will be good for me. I've been trying to move on from him for how long now? Maybe four months without him will be good for my health (mental at least). No, I don't want him to leave but I kind of need him to leave. That might not make any sense to some people but it makes sense to me and that's all that matters. I guess it says something when you need a break from someone after only knowing them for two and a half years. Our friendship has been tumultuous but wonderful. I wouldn't change anything that happened between us because I learned so much from it. If we're truly meant to be together, like I've thought for so long now, it'll happen in time. And I know that if we're not, he'll always have a place in my heart. I'll never stop loving him.

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I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can move on. I don't think I'll ever stop being angry with him. I mean, how can I? He took that trust I had put in him and completely betrayed it. He used my vulnerability to his advantage. I'm afraid he's ruined me for all other guys now. I don't know how to trust anymore. I hate that because I really do want to find the one guy I'm meant to be with but how can I do that when I can't even trust them? My brother told me "don't worry about the past. shit happens, people get pissed, situations are ALWAYS gonna be fucked up, and you WILL get disappointed. but know that when it comes down to it you are only with yourself forever. know you and be happy about it." I know he's right but it's hard to tell myself that when I'm still hurting this much. This situation also goes beyond me just being disappointed. I feel betrayed and hurt and angry. I'm not an angry person either...or at least I didn't used to be. I'm just so tired of this. I want to be myself again. I just feel like I'll never be normal again. There's so much more to this life than hurt and pain and betrayal. I should be happy and joyous that I've been blessed with the life I live. Even though this life can be crazy and messed up and tragic, it can also be beautiful and happy. I guess I just need to keep that in mind when I feel like I've been dealt a crappy hand. I'm the only one who knows myself completely and truly so really, I'm the only one who can make me happy in the end. I need to face him first though before I can completely move on. He needs to know everything.

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I think about it over and over again. He hurt me so bad that I cannot even begin to understand why he did what he did. I'm tired of hurting and I hate that I've let him have so much of an effect on me. I put up this front like I'm just angry at him when really I'm hurt. My heart is simply broken and I don't know how to put it back together. I know it takes time to stop hurting but it's been almost a month now since I found out. Shouldn't I be feeling in the least bit better? I think back on all of the good times we had and it makes it hurt even more. Did he know what was going to happen? Did he know he would end up hurting me? If he did, then why didn't he stop it? I want to smack him but at the same time I want to cry. Do I let this go or do I fight back? I know there's an argument for both sides. I just don't know which one is better. I could pull a Rory Gilmore and do a pro-con list for each but I don't have that much time on my hands and I'm way more impulsive than that. I definitely act before I think when it comes to him. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I do need to think about this more and really make sure I'm making the right decision. But then again, I have a tendency to over-think things and that just makes it more difficult to let go. Last night my mom told me that I just need to follow my first instinct. My first instict though is to hurt him as much as he hurt me. D told me that he'll get what's coming to him; I guess some people call that karma. What if I'm tired of waiting around for karma to bitch slap him? What if I want to be the one to do that? I know that I need to at least face him, in one way or another. I feel like I need to face my demons and he is one of them. I'm just not sure how to do that.

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I don't want to think about him anymore. It hurts too much and makes me want to punch the wall. Why have I let him have this much power over me? I don't really understand myself sometimes. My heart is simply broken and I don't know how to handle it. I mentioned to one of my friends that a broken heart doesn't break even. He replied that it can be mended. I know a broken heart can be mended but how? How in the world am I supposed to feel something over than pain and bitterness after what happened? I know I'm supposed to trust God; that He will be the one to heal my heart but right now all I want to do is to just hurt and cry and let the pain subside on its own. I want to hit him. I want to make him regret ever meeting me. I want him to feel the same pain I'm feeling. The worst part about this? He knows the pain he inflicted because he's felt it before yet he did it anyway. How do I forgive him for that? I know we're always supposed to forgive, no matter what. That just doesn't seem possible right now though. I know forgiving him doesn't necessarily mean being friends with him again but even forgiving him seems next to impossible. I know it probably sounds like I'm rambling and complaining and whining but that's what I need to do right now. I'm back in Boone and as much as I love being here, I still feel alone. I still want someone there to hold me as I fall asleep. It's because of him that I feel like this. He took away that serenity I felt when I was with him. My little slice of heaven has been turned into a little piece of hell.

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