Soaring Heart Creations

Well, he leaves tomorrow. I can't tell you how many tears have fallen since he told me. Last night I literally cried myself to sleep thinking about him leaving. It feels like someone is physically taking away a piece of my heart. I saw him Saturday and I told myself I wouldn't cry. That was shot to Hell when he went to leave. I started crying but I didn't want him to see. I was the last one he said goodbye to so I had some time to compose myself but I just couldn't. He wrapped his arms around me and the tears fell. He told me not to change for anyone because I'm amazing the way I am. And people wonder why I love him. It's when he says things like that when I know he really does care about me. He's one of the most important people in my life and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I thought I would be okay after he left but the tears continued. It had finally hit me that I wouldn't be seeing him for another four months. That means no hugs, no words of encouragement, no smiles...for four long months. I could go on all day about how much I care about him but most of the people reading this already know so there isn't really a point, is there? This whole thing is just screwing with my emotions because I knew, or at least thought, I was over him for the longest time. If I'm over him then why am I crying this much? Is it okay to cry this much over someone who you just care about as a friend? I just don't know what to do. In a matter of 24 hours I won't be able to talk to him for four months. He said he'll call me as soon as he gets his phone back. I'm interested to see if he follows through. I just don't want him to leave. I'm out of words...

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I keep trying to write that letter and it doesn't get easier. I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it. He's leaving for four months in a matter of one week. I know things have changed with us but there are still all of those memories that I'll never be able to forget. He's been one of my best friends for the past three years, someone I've told everything to. It's not easy giving that up. I know this is for the best and that he needs to do this for himself but that doesn't really make this any easier. In one week everything will change forever. Sure, he'll come back in June but what about after that? What about when he gets deployed? Will I ever see him again? I promised myself I was done crying about this but the tears never seem to end. It was one thing for my cousin to leave because I knew I would see him again but will I see D again? He doesn't have the strongest roots in North Carolina so doesn't that lower my chances of ever seeing him again? I know I sound repetitive and like I'm whining but that's what I need to do right now. I only get to see him one more time before he leaves. So what do I say? For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly at a loss for words. What do I say to this guy who has had such a huge impact on my life? How do I tell him that he'll always have a place in my heart? That's not the easiest thing to do. I don't want to let go of him. It just seems too soon. He's always been the one person I could count on to be there. Who do I turn to for comfort when he leaves? I just don't know what to do or say right now.

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There comes a time in life when we just want to give up and then by some miracle, someone or something happens to us that makes us reconsider. Just a couple of weeks ago I wanted to throw in the towel in terms of finding someone. Then he walked into my life. I feel like we're playing a game with each other. We would make eye contact from across the room and quickly look away, pretending neither of us had noticed. Then we ended up beside each other on the ride home and I couldn't (or wouldn't?) shut up. There was something about him that just made me never want to look away. I didn't know if I would hear from him after that night but I did. We started texting but both of us would wait a while to answer the other. And so the game continued. Two dates in one week? Could this really be happening? I don't want to get my hopes up just for them to be let down again but at the same time how can I not? He has already proven to be unlike any other guy so far. I honestly hope this continues. He makes me all flustered just thinking about him...and our impending dates.

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Today is yet another day where I will have to tell myself many times to just keep going. I had another dream about him last night. I'm not sure why I'm dreaming about him so much all of a sudden. I know he doesn't care about me or anything that happened so I don't why I'm having dreams in which he does care. A lot of people would just tell me to not think about it but then again, those people don't really know me. I overthink everything. I know this will all be over eventually but right now it's just a little hard to deal with. On top of that I just found out my big is de-sistering. Now I will be the only girl in my pledge class without a big. I feel completely and utterly let down. It makes me think that if I had never confronted her that she wouldn't have told and just let me find out on Sunday at chapter. I know she has legit reasons to but the least she could have done was tell me when she made this decision. I just feel a little blind sighted. So what happens now? Do they give me a new big or am I just left to fend for myself? I guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.

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Well, it's a new day and I am feeling oddly refreshed. I've had a good life so why am I continuously complaining? There are people in Haiti who will never have a normal life again and I'm over here complaining about how someone hurt me. We all get hurt sometimes and we just have to deal with it. There's a song by The Script called "Breakeven" and one of the lines in it says "when a heart breaks, it don't break even." Unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to that. One of my friends made a good point about it though. He told me that even though you heart might not break even, it can be healed. He's very right about that. You just have to take it one breath, one step, one day at a time. It's going to take time for my heart to heal but I know that I've got some pretty awesome people standing by my side helping me through it. I'm trying to talk to God and spend as much time with Him as possible because I know that He is the one who will get me through this. I can't do it on my own. I've finally realized that this is Him giving me the opportunity to be strong. I've been asking for strength and this is my opportunity. He knows that I am stronger than I believe; I just have to go through situations that give me the chance to put that strength into action. I won't be swayed anymore because I know who is watching out for me.

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For the past few weeks I have been searching for some sense of peace and honestly, I've been getting a little impatient. Well, on Thursday last week I had a really bad night because I was at my apartment alone and when I'm alone I tend to think about things a little too much. The next day though I got a message from a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while. Apparently God had put me on her heart the night before so she had been praying for me. It's like wshe knew exactly what was wrong without me having to say anything. I told her what had been going on and she gave me a few passages in the bible to read. I related to the stories so much that I knew then that God is trying to do something amazing in my life. He is getting rid of all of the bad relationships in my life and even though it hurts right now, in the long run it will be so worth it. I now know that I am not alone like I've felt for the past few months. God has been there for me the whole time; I just haven't been giving Him the time of day. He wants me to be happy and live my life for Him. I don't know why it took me this long to realize it but I'm glad I have. He deserves so much more attention than I've been giving Him. After all, He is the one who gave me life. That peace has finally been brought into my life because I know what needs to be done and who I need to be concentrating on. I feel so much better than I have in a long time. His work is just beginning and I cannot wait to see what else He has planned for me because I have a feeling it's going to be amazing.

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The trees are covered in ice and somehow the ice around my heart has melted. I'm not simply angry anymore. I'm finally letting myself feel that pain. It's not fun either. My eyes are puffy from the tears and I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. You used to be that; the person I would turn to when I was feeling my worst. Now I wouldn't tell you my favorite color if you wanted to know.

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