Soaring Heart Creations

Tears into words

For a while there I wasn't posting much at all. I think most of that was because I was at an utter loss for words. I've posted since then but I still haven't gotten all of those feelings I had held inside for so long.

Most of my friends know that I am a woman of words. I express myself through writing so being at a loss for words is a rare moment for me. Well that moment came when my best friend left for boot camp for the air force. I had known since about October that he was leaving but believe me, that didn't make it any easier. After he initially told me, I cried for twenty minutes straight. I thought that would be the end of my tears. I was wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night. Again, I thought that would be the end. Again, it wasn't. I cried on my way back to Boone the next day, the entire way (which is a two hour drive from Greensboro). I cried myself to sleep again that night. Slowly but surely I came to accept that he was leaving and that I would be okay. I convinced myself that four months wasn't that long to go without talking to him. In reality, I just set myself up for pain. Before I knew it, he was leaving. His phone was off for the next four months and I was only going to see him one last time. I cried when he went to leave. He hugged me but that just made it worse. I didn't want to let him go. You see, he had become so much a part of me that I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I cried as he looked at me one last time. I cried as he walked out the door. I cried the rest of that night. The tears didn't stop for the next four or five days. During the day I would be fine but the nights seemed to be the most lonely times and the tears would come back. The tears that came weren't silent ones. I would be sobbing into my pillow, hoping to muffle the sounds from my roommates so they wouldn't think I was having a mental breakdown of some sort, though that is what it felt like at some points. Eventually the tears stopped and I could sleep through the night. Then the dreams started. Every night since he's left I've had a dream about him. It's strange for me to have multiple dreams about someone, even him, especially night after night. I wonder if the dreams will stop like the tears stopped. In a way I don't want them to because it lets me see him. On the other hand, I do want them to stop. Though I enjoy seeing him, I wake up and realize that he's not actually here and that makes me miss him even more.

I once told my friends that it's cathartic to have a good cry every once in a while. I've discovered though that after crying hard for five days straight, it loses those healing powers. It just becomes something you dread. I would go to bed at night wondering if I would ever be able to go a day without crying while he's gone. I hope I don't cry again. At least not until he comes back and at least then they will be happy tears.

Then the words came to me. They came and they wouldn't stop. I've written four pages since I got those words back. I'm not done with those words either. They're still coming and turning into something more than I could have ever hoped for. It has made me realize that out of pain comes inspiration. I just need to take the time to cry and grieve before I try to get those words out. I needed to get my thoughts in order and now I have. I can miss him and write at the same time. I can accept that he's gone. But I can also be glad that he'll be returning home at a time when I can actually see him.

Moving on?

| at 5:56 PM

It's been just over one week since you've left but somehow it seems so much longer. I've had a dream about you every night since that day. I don't want to dream about you because it hurts so much. Why are you popping up in my dreams all of a sudden? It just doesn't seem far. Are you dreaming about me too? Or am I the only one suffering this torture? I still have to survive 8 more weeks before I have even a chance of seeing you again so this whole dreaming about you every night thing has got to stop. It's just putting me in a bad mood and I don't want to see anyone because of it. It makes me want to be home with my family because they are the only ones who can make me feel better when I'm at my worst. The only bad thing about being home is knowing I won't be able to see you when I'm there. It's the strangest feeling to be going home today and having to remind myself that you're not there anymore. I've sent your first letter and I don't know if you'll reply. I hope you do because you told me you would before you left. I told Kerry that I would choose you any day and then I realized how pathetic I sound when I talk about you. I need to be stronger when it comes to you. I need to be strong without you. I need to find someone I don't want to compare to you because it seems like I've been doing that a lot lately. I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it. You're always been that one guy I run back to every time I get hurt. That needs to stop. I need to stop depending on you. . You've moved on with your life. I need to move on with mine. But how I do I do that? Where do I start?

A piece of my heart is leaving

| at 5:20 AM

Well, he leaves tomorrow. I can't tell you how many tears have fallen since he told me. Last night I literally cried myself to sleep thinking about him leaving. It feels like someone is physically taking away a piece of my heart. I saw him Saturday and I told myself I wouldn't cry. That was shot to Hell when he went to leave. I started crying but I didn't want him to see. I was the last one he said goodbye to so I had some time to compose myself but I just couldn't. He wrapped his arms around me and the tears fell. He told me not to change for anyone because I'm amazing the way I am. And people wonder why I love him. It's when he says things like that when I know he really does care about me. He's one of the most important people in my life and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I thought I would be okay after he left but the tears continued. It had finally hit me that I wouldn't be seeing him for another four months. That means no hugs, no words of encouragement, no smiles...for four long months. I could go on all day about how much I care about him but most of the people reading this already know so there isn't really a point, is there? This whole thing is just screwing with my emotions because I knew, or at least thought, I was over him for the longest time. If I'm over him then why am I crying this much? Is it okay to cry this much over someone who you just care about as a friend? I just don't know what to do. In a matter of 24 hours I won't be able to talk to him for four months. He said he'll call me as soon as he gets his phone back. I'm interested to see if he follows through. I just don't want him to leave. I'm out of words...

At a loss for words and actions

| at 8:37 AM

I keep trying to write that letter and it doesn't get easier. I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it. He's leaving for four months in a matter of one week. I know things have changed with us but there are still all of those memories that I'll never be able to forget. He's been one of my best friends for the past three years, someone I've told everything to. It's not easy giving that up. I know this is for the best and that he needs to do this for himself but that doesn't really make this any easier. In one week everything will change forever. Sure, he'll come back in June but what about after that? What about when he gets deployed? Will I ever see him again? I promised myself I was done crying about this but the tears never seem to end. It was one thing for my cousin to leave because I knew I would see him again but will I see D again? He doesn't have the strongest roots in North Carolina so doesn't that lower my chances of ever seeing him again? I know I sound repetitive and like I'm whining but that's what I need to do right now. I only get to see him one more time before he leaves. So what do I say? For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly at a loss for words. What do I say to this guy who has had such a huge impact on my life? How do I tell him that he'll always have a place in my heart? That's not the easiest thing to do. I don't want to let go of him. It just seems too soon. He's always been the one person I could count on to be there. Who do I turn to for comfort when he leaves? I just don't know what to do or say right now.

New guy?

| at 6:40 PM

There comes a time in life when we just want to give up and then by some miracle, someone or something happens to us that makes us reconsider. Just a couple of weeks ago I wanted to throw in the towel in terms of finding someone. Then he walked into my life. I feel like we're playing a game with each other. We would make eye contact from across the room and quickly look away, pretending neither of us had noticed. Then we ended up beside each other on the ride home and I couldn't (or wouldn't?) shut up. There was something about him that just made me never want to look away. I didn't know if I would hear from him after that night but I did. We started texting but both of us would wait a while to answer the other. And so the game continued. Two dates in one week? Could this really be happening? I don't want to get my hopes up just for them to be let down again but at the same time how can I not? He has already proven to be unlike any other guy so far. I honestly hope this continues. He makes me all flustered just thinking about him...and our impending dates.

On top of all of this though, D is leaving for basic training in ten short days. I might get to see him for a few hours before then. How do I say bye to him after almost three years of friendship? He'll be gone for four months but I don't even want to think about. I've been trying to write the first letter to him for months now but for some reason it just never comes out right. There's so much I want to say to him and I don't quite know how to say it all in one letter. Needless to say, I am going to miss him endlessly.

I feel like things are finally falling into place. I've accepted that D and I were always destined to just be friends. Now maybe I can let this new guy in. Maybe he'll be the one to make me see that there is more out there and that I really do deserve better than to be treated like I have been.

Watching Pride and Prejudice and Becoming Jane back to back might not be good for my mental health.

Figuring this out

| at 5:24 AM

Today is yet another day where I will have to tell myself many times to just keep going. I had another dream about him last night. I'm not sure why I'm dreaming about him so much all of a sudden. I know he doesn't care about me or anything that happened so I don't why I'm having dreams in which he does care. A lot of people would just tell me to not think about it but then again, those people don't really know me. I overthink everything. I know this will all be over eventually but right now it's just a little hard to deal with. On top of that I just found out my big is de-sistering. Now I will be the only girl in my pledge class without a big. I feel completely and utterly let down. It makes me think that if I had never confronted her that she wouldn't have told and just let me find out on Sunday at chapter. I know she has legit reasons to but the least she could have done was tell me when she made this decision. I just feel a little blind sighted. So what happens now? Do they give me a new big or am I just left to fend for myself? I guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.

I'm a solid rock

| at 5:16 AM

Well, it's a new day and I am feeling oddly refreshed. I've had a good life so why am I continuously complaining? There are people in Haiti who will never have a normal life again and I'm over here complaining about how someone hurt me. We all get hurt sometimes and we just have to deal with it. There's a song by The Script called "Breakeven" and one of the lines in it says "when a heart breaks, it don't break even." Unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to that. One of my friends made a good point about it though. He told me that even though you heart might not break even, it can be healed. He's very right about that. You just have to take it one breath, one step, one day at a time. It's going to take time for my heart to heal but I know that I've got some pretty awesome people standing by my side helping me through it. I'm trying to talk to God and spend as much time with Him as possible because I know that He is the one who will get me through this. I can't do it on my own. I've finally realized that this is Him giving me the opportunity to be strong. I've been asking for strength and this is my opportunity. He knows that I am stronger than I believe; I just have to go through situations that give me the chance to put that strength into action. I won't be swayed anymore because I know who is watching out for me.

At Peace...finally

| at 5:21 AM

For the past few weeks I have been searching for some sense of peace and honestly, I've been getting a little impatient. Well, on Thursday last week I had a really bad night because I was at my apartment alone and when I'm alone I tend to think about things a little too much. The next day though I got a message from a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while. Apparently God had put me on her heart the night before so she had been praying for me. It's like wshe knew exactly what was wrong without me having to say anything. I told her what had been going on and she gave me a few passages in the bible to read. I related to the stories so much that I knew then that God is trying to do something amazing in my life. He is getting rid of all of the bad relationships in my life and even though it hurts right now, in the long run it will be so worth it. I now know that I am not alone like I've felt for the past few months. God has been there for me the whole time; I just haven't been giving Him the time of day. He wants me to be happy and live my life for Him. I don't know why it took me this long to realize it but I'm glad I have. He deserves so much more attention than I've been giving Him. After all, He is the one who gave me life. That peace has finally been brought into my life because I know what needs to be done and who I need to be concentrating on. I feel so much better than I have in a long time. His work is just beginning and I cannot wait to see what else He has planned for me because I have a feeling it's going to be amazing.

Better off without you

| at 5:26 PM

The trees are covered in ice and somehow the ice around my heart has melted. I'm not simply angry anymore. I'm finally letting myself feel that pain. It's not fun either. My eyes are puffy from the tears and I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. You used to be that; the person I would turn to when I was feeling my worst. Now I wouldn't tell you my favorite color if you wanted to know.

I imagine what our conversation would be like if we saw each other again. I'd yell at you and say everything I've been holding back for the past year. I'd tell you how much you hurt me and that even though you may not have meant to, you still did. I tell you to talk about me all you want but I'll still be a better person than you in the end. You would try to brush it off like you don't know what I'm talking about when in reality, you just don't want me to hate you. Well, mission accomplished. I don't hate you because I'm done caring about you. You, of all people, aren't worth it. You are no longer a part of my life.

It's time for me to start a new healthy life without you. I deserve that, a life of happiness. I don't know when it will come...but it will.

Hot and Cold

| at 5:09 AM

I decided a while ago that he wouldn't be in my life as much as he used to for the sake of my sanity. So why did I cry when he told me he's leaving? That day is coming up quickly and I wish I could take back all of those words I said last year. He's broken my heart more times than I can count but then he goes and puts it back together. He's distant and then he's always there. He's hot then he's cold. He's up and he's down. And yes, I know I just quoted Katy Perry. That song is our relationship though. It's back and forth, good and bad, boring and exciting, predictable and completely surprising. He's the one I always run to no matter what. Lately though I've been thinking that maybe him leaving will be good for me. I've been trying to move on from him for how long now? Maybe four months without him will be good for my health (mental at least). No, I don't want him to leave but I kind of need him to leave. That might not make any sense to some people but it makes sense to me and that's all that matters. I guess it says something when you need a break from someone after only knowing them for two and a half years. Our friendship has been tumultuous but wonderful. I wouldn't change anything that happened between us because I learned so much from it. If we're truly meant to be together, like I've thought for so long now, it'll happen in time. And I know that if we're not, he'll always have a place in my heart. I'll never stop loving him.

On this crazy, tragic, beautiful, messed up life

| at 7:02 PM

I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can move on. I don't think I'll ever stop being angry with him. I mean, how can I? He took that trust I had put in him and completely betrayed it. He used my vulnerability to his advantage. I'm afraid he's ruined me for all other guys now. I don't know how to trust anymore. I hate that because I really do want to find the one guy I'm meant to be with but how can I do that when I can't even trust them? My brother told me "don't worry about the past. shit happens, people get pissed, situations are ALWAYS gonna be fucked up, and you WILL get disappointed. but know that when it comes down to it you are only with yourself forever. know you and be happy about it." I know he's right but it's hard to tell myself that when I'm still hurting this much. This situation also goes beyond me just being disappointed. I feel betrayed and hurt and angry. I'm not an angry person either...or at least I didn't used to be. I'm just so tired of this. I want to be myself again. I just feel like I'll never be normal again. There's so much more to this life than hurt and pain and betrayal. I should be happy and joyous that I've been blessed with the life I live. Even though this life can be crazy and messed up and tragic, it can also be beautiful and happy. I guess I just need to keep that in mind when I feel like I've been dealt a crappy hand. I'm the only one who knows myself completely and truly so really, I'm the only one who can make me happy in the end. I need to face him first though before I can completely move on. He needs to know everything.

Karma and demons

| at 7:22 PM

I think about it over and over again. He hurt me so bad that I cannot even begin to understand why he did what he did. I'm tired of hurting and I hate that I've let him have so much of an effect on me. I put up this front like I'm just angry at him when really I'm hurt. My heart is simply broken and I don't know how to put it back together. I know it takes time to stop hurting but it's been almost a month now since I found out. Shouldn't I be feeling in the least bit better? I think back on all of the good times we had and it makes it hurt even more. Did he know what was going to happen? Did he know he would end up hurting me? If he did, then why didn't he stop it? I want to smack him but at the same time I want to cry. Do I let this go or do I fight back? I know there's an argument for both sides. I just don't know which one is better. I could pull a Rory Gilmore and do a pro-con list for each but I don't have that much time on my hands and I'm way more impulsive than that. I definitely act before I think when it comes to him. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I do need to think about this more and really make sure I'm making the right decision. But then again, I have a tendency to over-think things and that just makes it more difficult to let go. Last night my mom told me that I just need to follow my first instinct. My first instict though is to hurt him as much as he hurt me. D told me that he'll get what's coming to him; I guess some people call that karma. What if I'm tired of waiting around for karma to bitch slap him? What if I want to be the one to do that? I know that I need to at least face him, in one way or another. I feel like I need to face my demons and he is one of them. I'm just not sure how to do that.

Heaven and hell

| at 7:55 PM

I don't want to think about him anymore. It hurts too much and makes me want to punch the wall. Why have I let him have this much power over me? I don't really understand myself sometimes. My heart is simply broken and I don't know how to handle it. I mentioned to one of my friends that a broken heart doesn't break even. He replied that it can be mended. I know a broken heart can be mended but how? How in the world am I supposed to feel something over than pain and bitterness after what happened? I know I'm supposed to trust God; that He will be the one to heal my heart but right now all I want to do is to just hurt and cry and let the pain subside on its own. I want to hit him. I want to make him regret ever meeting me. I want him to feel the same pain I'm feeling. The worst part about this? He knows the pain he inflicted because he's felt it before yet he did it anyway. How do I forgive him for that? I know we're always supposed to forgive, no matter what. That just doesn't seem possible right now though. I know forgiving him doesn't necessarily mean being friends with him again but even forgiving him seems next to impossible. I know it probably sounds like I'm rambling and complaining and whining but that's what I need to do right now. I'm back in Boone and as much as I love being here, I still feel alone. I still want someone there to hold me as I fall asleep. It's because of him that I feel like this. He took away that serenity I felt when I was with him. My little slice of heaven has been turned into a little piece of hell.

Losing words

| at 8:34 PM

It's at night when I feel most alone, most vulnerable, like there's no one out there but me. I feel so lonely sitting here at my computer typing out my feelings for strangers to read, people who will never really understand what it is that is going on in my heart and head. There is no possible way for me to convey exactly how I'm feeling. My heart is at war with my head and honestly, my head is winning for the first time. I'm usually ruled by my emotions, letting my heart win every time, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and holding on to the hope that there is good in everyone. That isn't happening this time though. I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt this time because I've finally realized that he doesn't deserve it. There is a little part of me telling me that maybe he didn't mean what he said; that's my heart talking though. He's a person who always means what he says and I know that. I have to keep telling myself that so I can stay strong in the decision I made. It's not fun going to bed at night and not having anyone to hold you, no one to wrap yourself around. Sadly, now I can't quit thinking if it's really worth to have someone to hold onto for a night. What if they just end up hurting me? I've just run out of words. I'm to the point where I just want to be reckless. I don't know exactly what I want to do but I just want to do something no one would expect me to, something that would take everyone by surprise, something that shows him just how strong I am. I don't need him in my life, and he needs to know that now more than ever.

Resent+courage+broken heart+healing=?

| at 8:25 PM

I keep running through scenarios in my mind of how it's going to be when I finally see him for the first time in two months, especially after finding out what he said. I want to make him eat his words and get a taste of his own medicine. He deserves it, right? Maybe when all of this if over I can move towards finding that tranquility and serenity I have been searching for in this crazy, strange, mixed up world that I often have problems understanding. Right now is one of those times I'm having major problems understanding it. I just don't get how someone, who I've called a friend for a good three years, could hurt me that much and in the way he did it. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I don't know whether to put my wall back up to protect myself, or if I should leave it down and risk getting hurt again. It's really feeling like I need to put it back up again. I hate to do that because I don't want to become cynical but maybe it's necessary. Maybe I need to stop dreaming and get real. Maybe I need to realize that things don't always turn out the way I want/need them to. I did this when my grandfather died too. I put that wall up because I didn't want to feel anything. I was so tired of hurting that I made myself not feel anything. I'm usually very good at forgiving people, maybe too forgiving at times. I can't do it this time though. He crossed the line and I don't want to be that idiot girl who fell for his charm and sweet talking to make me try to forgive him. It's not going to work this time. I deserve so much better than that. The bright side of this? I can cross one more guy off on my way to finding that one person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I just hope this hasn't hurt me so much that I have problems with accepting that every guy isn't like him, that he's an exception. Lately though, I've realized that I've almost become resentful. I don't have that hope and passion I had before all of this happened. One of my friends told me about a year and a half ago that she didn't understand just how I could continue to love when my heart has been broken so much. At the time it was a simple answer; "I just do." Now, I can't honestly answer it. I have been hurt so much and it honestly make me want to give up. Then again there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me "this isn't you, Emma. You love no matter what." It's right. I'm just having a hard time loving anyone, even myself right now. Will I never love again or do I just need time? It's been said that healing takes courage, we just have to find that courage within ourselves. What if I never find that courage, what then?

Anger turned to hate turned to apathy

| at 9:05 PM

It's been said that in order to hate someone you have to actually care about them. I never quite understood what they meant until today. He talked about me behind my back and thought it wouldn't get back to me while I was standing up for him and telling my friends that he's still a good person. I can't begin to explain how angry I was when I found out. I've calmed down (even though I still have the overwhelming urge to smack him) and I've realized that he's not worth the energy it takes to hate someone. I'm just apathetic. I could really care less about him now and if he wants to try to hurt me...well, it's gonna take a lot. And even if he succeeds there will be many boys after him, all the good guys in my life. This just gave me that one last reason I needed to completely let go of him. I have so many better people in my life it's ridiculous, people who actually care about and don't do sleezy things like that to me. Now, it's time for a new me. You know how I used to pretty much let people walk all over me? Well, that stops now. I am no longer putting up with people's crap. If you talk about me, you'll get what's coming to you but I'm not gonna waste my time or energy hating you. I hate that it's come to this and that I almost have to sound like a bitch but that's just what it's come down to. I'm at my breaking point and I can't put up with it anymore

A broken heart soaring once again

| at 10:46 AM

It's a rare moment when I feel completely and utterly alone but last night was one of them. I just don't quite know how to handle it. It's been almost two months since I last spoke to him. I go home on Monday for almost a month. Do I purposely see him or do I let fate take its course? One thing I saw on tv last night reminded me of him and I went into a spiral. I started missing him and falling asleep in his arms then I had a dream about him. That just seemed to make everything worse. I couldn't get him off my mind. I had felt so safe with him and trusted him so much and then he just pulled the rug out from under me. I no longer felt safe in my own skin and I had no idea how to handle it. These dreams and thoughts of him have made me start missing him. I was doing so well too. Maybe it's time to face my fears and see him again, but on my terms this time. It's a new year and time for a new me. I mean a whole new me, including but not limited to: new hair, new wardrobe, new body (hopefully). The new hair comes into play this week, right before I see him. It's just that moments like I've been having lately are what make me think that maybe I'm not ready to see him again but I know I need to. It's been about two and a half months since I saw him last and I need him to see just how well I'm doing without him. I need him to see that even though he hurt me, I'm happy without him. Maybe my life is even better without him. I'm moving on, feeling good, and starting to find myself again. I'm finding that writer within, the one who relies on emotions and experiences to produce art. Maybe one day that art will turn into something everyone wants to hear. Maybe my therapy will become someone else's therapy. I'm excited for this part of my life to begin. Hopefully by moving on I can actually figure out what's out there for me. I know it'll happen...I'm just getting impatient. My heart is soaring again though. It's no longer being held down by disappointment and hurt. I'm realizing that I deserve so much more than that.

It's too late for you and your white horse to come around

| at 6:15 PM

I've noticed something lately. People seem to think they can save others. In guys it's known as the "white knight syndrome." In girls we just think we can be the girl to change him. News flash, it's not possible. You can't save/change someone if they don't want to be. It has to be a conscious decision on their part to change. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this because I am. I was convinced that if he cared enough about me that he would change. Well, he's not going to if he doesn't want to, no matter how much he cares about you. You can't be the one to change/save someone. Someone I'm very close to is guilty of having "the white knight syndrome." He thinks he can save these girls from themselves. The thing is, he can't. He won't be able to unless she wants to be saved and even then she has to be to main component of that. She has make an effort to save herself before you can even try. There have been times when I felt like I needed someone to save me but I've realized that I need to save myself. Only I know who I really am deep down inside and only I know how to save myself. I've had to make a conscious effort to get myself out of those dark places where I feel like my whole life is going up in smoke. Sure, it's great to have friends there to support me, knowing that they love me and will always be there for me but I have to be the one to save myself. As for the girls who think you can change him, you can't. It's not that he doesn't care about you, he just doesn't think he needs to change. You shouldn't want him to change though when it really comes down to it. If you really care about him and want the best for him, you'll love him just the way he is or he'll find someone who does. It took me a long time to realize this and accept it but I have.

Saying goodbye?

| at 6:19 PM

Why can't I get my head around the fact that he's leaving? There are times where it hits me hard that I only have four months left with him and I cry for hours. Then there are times where I just can't wait to see him the next time I'm home and the thought of him leaving doesn't even cross my mind. He's been such a big part of my life for such a long time now that it's almost incomprehensible that it all might change in just a few months. I'm not ready to say bye. Usually we say it's just "see you later" but I can't say that this time. What if I don't see him again? I wish that thought had never crossed my mind but when it comes to dealing with these things...my mind comes up with all of the worst possibilities ever. I can't begin to tell you how many times he has been my light at the end of the tunnel, how many times he has rescued me, or how many of my memories include him. Now I have to let that go and pretend that I'm not hurting. Of course I'm happy for him. Of course I'm proud of him. I just can't imagine my life without him. I'm not saying that he won't be a part of my life anymore. He just won't be there every time I go home. I won't be able to text him at any moment because his advice is the only advice I'll listen to. Sure, I'll still have pictures and memories but the pictures don't do him justice and the memories don't make him be here with me, telling me that everything will be okay. I love our imperfect relationship. I love the way he's always excited to see me. I love his infectious smile. I love how even when I'm having what feels like the worst day of my life, he can somehow make me smile. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? Why do I keep going back to him? This makes no sense.

Trust, patience, etc.

| at 1:30 PM

I'm tired of caring. Okay, not just caring but caring too much. I care about people too much and I think along the way, I've stopped caring about myself as much as I should. I would do anything to stop my friends from hurting. If I could take away their pain so they wouldn't have to feel that anymore but I can't and I have to accept that. Now I'm hurting and I have no idea who to turn to. I don't know where to go or what to do. I try to show people that I'm strong and that I know that I absolutely did the right thing but what do I do when I start doubting that? I don't know who will understand and sadly, I don't know who I really trust enough to let my guard down in front of like that. He was that one person I could talk to no matter what it was about or what time it was. If I called him at 3 am I knew that he would answer. How do I replace that? Who do I call at 3 am when I wake up crying? Do I find another guy or do I lean on my other friends? I'm so confused. I want to know why I wasn't good enough for him. I want to know how he could go from being so happy when he saw me to dating some other girl and "not knowing how to let me down." That's what he told me...that he's really bad at letting people down. That's his excuse for telling me. Lame excuse right? Completely. I want to be friends with him again...eventually...in the near future. But I don't know if that's going to happen. He hurt me too badly and I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to trust him again. I told him things I had never told anyone else. I trusted him hoping that he wouldn't hurt me like every other guy had. He did hurt me though. I have to move on. I need to find someone I really can trust not to hurt me. I think I deserve at least that. I know I'll find him eventually. I'm just getting a little impatient.