Soaring Heart Creations

Tears into words

For a while there I wasn't posting much at all. I think most of that was because I was at an utter loss for words. I've posted since then but I still haven't gotten all of those feelings I had held inside for so long.

Most of my friends know that I am a woman of words. I express myself through writing so being at a loss for words is a rare moment for me. Well that moment came when my best friend left for boot camp for the air force. I had known since about October that he was leaving but believe me, that didn't make it any easier. After he initially told me, I cried for twenty minutes straight. I thought that would be the end of my tears. I was wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night. Again, I thought that would be the end. Again, it wasn't. I cried on my way back to Boone the next day, the entire way (which is a two hour drive from Greensboro). I cried myself to sleep again that night. Slowly but surely I came to accept that he was leaving and that I would be okay. I convinced myself that four months wasn't that long to go without talking to him. In reality, I just set myself up for pain. Before I knew it, he was leaving. His phone was off for the next four months and I was only going to see him one last time. I cried when he went to leave. He hugged me but that just made it worse. I didn't want to let him go. You see, he had become so much a part of me that I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I cried as he looked at me one last time. I cried as he walked out the door. I cried the rest of that night. The tears didn't stop for the next four or five days. During the day I would be fine but the nights seemed to be the most lonely times and the tears would come back. The tears that came weren't silent ones. I would be sobbing into my pillow, hoping to muffle the sounds from my roommates so they wouldn't think I was having a mental breakdown of some sort, though that is what it felt like at some points. Eventually the tears stopped and I could sleep through the night. Then the dreams started. Every night since he's left I've had a dream about him. It's strange for me to have multiple dreams about someone, even him, especially night after night. I wonder if the dreams will stop like the tears stopped. In a way I don't want them to because it lets me see him. On the other hand, I do want them to stop. Though I enjoy seeing him, I wake up and realize that he's not actually here and that makes me miss him even more.

I once told my friends that it's cathartic to have a good cry every once in a while. I've discovered though that after crying hard for five days straight, it loses those healing powers. It just becomes something you dread. I would go to bed at night wondering if I would ever be able to go a day without crying while he's gone. I hope I don't cry again. At least not until he comes back and at least then they will be happy tears.

Then the words came to me. They came and they wouldn't stop. I've written four pages since I got those words back. I'm not done with those words either. They're still coming and turning into something more than I could have ever hoped for. It has made me realize that out of pain comes inspiration. I just need to take the time to cry and grieve before I try to get those words out. I needed to get my thoughts in order and now I have. I can miss him and write at the same time. I can accept that he's gone. But I can also be glad that he'll be returning home at a time when I can actually see him.

Moving on?

| at 5:56 PM

It's been just over one week since you've left but somehow it seems so much longer. I've had a dream about you every night since that day. I don't want to dream about you because it hurts so much. Why are you popping up in my dreams all of a sudden? It just doesn't seem far. Are you dreaming about me too? Or am I the only one suffering this torture? I still have to survive 8 more weeks before I have even a chance of seeing you again so this whole dreaming about you every night thing has got to stop. It's just putting me in a bad mood and I don't want to see anyone because of it. It makes me want to be home with my family because they are the only ones who can make me feel better when I'm at my worst. The only bad thing about being home is knowing I won't be able to see you when I'm there. It's the strangest feeling to be going home today and having to remind myself that you're not there anymore. I've sent your first letter and I don't know if you'll reply. I hope you do because you told me you would before you left. I told Kerry that I would choose you any day and then I realized how pathetic I sound when I talk about you. I need to be stronger when it comes to you. I need to be strong without you. I need to find someone I don't want to compare to you because it seems like I've been doing that a lot lately. I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it. You're always been that one guy I run back to every time I get hurt. That needs to stop. I need to stop depending on you. . You've moved on with your life. I need to move on with mine. But how I do I do that? Where do I start?

A piece of my heart is leaving

| at 5:20 AM

Well, he leaves tomorrow. I can't tell you how many tears have fallen since he told me. Last night I literally cried myself to sleep thinking about him leaving. It feels like someone is physically taking away a piece of my heart. I saw him Saturday and I told myself I wouldn't cry. That was shot to Hell when he went to leave. I started crying but I didn't want him to see. I was the last one he said goodbye to so I had some time to compose myself but I just couldn't. He wrapped his arms around me and the tears fell. He told me not to change for anyone because I'm amazing the way I am. And people wonder why I love him. It's when he says things like that when I know he really does care about me. He's one of the most important people in my life and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I thought I would be okay after he left but the tears continued. It had finally hit me that I wouldn't be seeing him for another four months. That means no hugs, no words of encouragement, no smiles...for four long months. I could go on all day about how much I care about him but most of the people reading this already know so there isn't really a point, is there? This whole thing is just screwing with my emotions because I knew, or at least thought, I was over him for the longest time. If I'm over him then why am I crying this much? Is it okay to cry this much over someone who you just care about as a friend? I just don't know what to do. In a matter of 24 hours I won't be able to talk to him for four months. He said he'll call me as soon as he gets his phone back. I'm interested to see if he follows through. I just don't want him to leave. I'm out of words...

At a loss for words and actions

| at 8:37 AM

I keep trying to write that letter and it doesn't get easier. I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it. He's leaving for four months in a matter of one week. I know things have changed with us but there are still all of those memories that I'll never be able to forget. He's been one of my best friends for the past three years, someone I've told everything to. It's not easy giving that up. I know this is for the best and that he needs to do this for himself but that doesn't really make this any easier. In one week everything will change forever. Sure, he'll come back in June but what about after that? What about when he gets deployed? Will I ever see him again? I promised myself I was done crying about this but the tears never seem to end. It was one thing for my cousin to leave because I knew I would see him again but will I see D again? He doesn't have the strongest roots in North Carolina so doesn't that lower my chances of ever seeing him again? I know I sound repetitive and like I'm whining but that's what I need to do right now. I only get to see him one more time before he leaves. So what do I say? For the first time in my life I am completely and utterly at a loss for words. What do I say to this guy who has had such a huge impact on my life? How do I tell him that he'll always have a place in my heart? That's not the easiest thing to do. I don't want to let go of him. It just seems too soon. He's always been the one person I could count on to be there. Who do I turn to for comfort when he leaves? I just don't know what to do or say right now.

New guy?

| at 6:40 PM

There comes a time in life when we just want to give up and then by some miracle, someone or something happens to us that makes us reconsider. Just a couple of weeks ago I wanted to throw in the towel in terms of finding someone. Then he walked into my life. I feel like we're playing a game with each other. We would make eye contact from across the room and quickly look away, pretending neither of us had noticed. Then we ended up beside each other on the ride home and I couldn't (or wouldn't?) shut up. There was something about him that just made me never want to look away. I didn't know if I would hear from him after that night but I did. We started texting but both of us would wait a while to answer the other. And so the game continued. Two dates in one week? Could this really be happening? I don't want to get my hopes up just for them to be let down again but at the same time how can I not? He has already proven to be unlike any other guy so far. I honestly hope this continues. He makes me all flustered just thinking about him...and our impending dates.

On top of all of this though, D is leaving for basic training in ten short days. I might get to see him for a few hours before then. How do I say bye to him after almost three years of friendship? He'll be gone for four months but I don't even want to think about. I've been trying to write the first letter to him for months now but for some reason it just never comes out right. There's so much I want to say to him and I don't quite know how to say it all in one letter. Needless to say, I am going to miss him endlessly.

I feel like things are finally falling into place. I've accepted that D and I were always destined to just be friends. Now maybe I can let this new guy in. Maybe he'll be the one to make me see that there is more out there and that I really do deserve better than to be treated like I have been.

Watching Pride and Prejudice and Becoming Jane back to back might not be good for my mental health.

Figuring this out

| at 5:24 AM

Today is yet another day where I will have to tell myself many times to just keep going. I had another dream about him last night. I'm not sure why I'm dreaming about him so much all of a sudden. I know he doesn't care about me or anything that happened so I don't why I'm having dreams in which he does care. A lot of people would just tell me to not think about it but then again, those people don't really know me. I overthink everything. I know this will all be over eventually but right now it's just a little hard to deal with. On top of that I just found out my big is de-sistering. Now I will be the only girl in my pledge class without a big. I feel completely and utterly let down. It makes me think that if I had never confronted her that she wouldn't have told and just let me find out on Sunday at chapter. I know she has legit reasons to but the least she could have done was tell me when she made this decision. I just feel a little blind sighted. So what happens now? Do they give me a new big or am I just left to fend for myself? I guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.

I'm a solid rock

| at 5:16 AM

Well, it's a new day and I am feeling oddly refreshed. I've had a good life so why am I continuously complaining? There are people in Haiti who will never have a normal life again and I'm over here complaining about how someone hurt me. We all get hurt sometimes and we just have to deal with it. There's a song by The Script called "Breakeven" and one of the lines in it says "when a heart breaks, it don't break even." Unfortunately, a lot of us can relate to that. One of my friends made a good point about it though. He told me that even though you heart might not break even, it can be healed. He's very right about that. You just have to take it one breath, one step, one day at a time. It's going to take time for my heart to heal but I know that I've got some pretty awesome people standing by my side helping me through it. I'm trying to talk to God and spend as much time with Him as possible because I know that He is the one who will get me through this. I can't do it on my own. I've finally realized that this is Him giving me the opportunity to be strong. I've been asking for strength and this is my opportunity. He knows that I am stronger than I believe; I just have to go through situations that give me the chance to put that strength into action. I won't be swayed anymore because I know who is watching out for me.