Soaring Heart Creations

I've noticed something lately. People seem to think they can save others. In guys it's known as the "white knight syndrome." In girls we just think we can be the girl to change him. News flash, it's not possible. You can't save/change someone if they don't want to be. It has to be a conscious decision on their part to change. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this because I am. I was convinced that if he cared enough about me that he would change. Well, he's not going to if he doesn't want to, no matter how much he cares about you. You can't be the one to change/save someone. Someone I'm very close to is guilty of having "the white knight syndrome." He thinks he can save these girls from themselves. The thing is, he can't. He won't be able to unless she wants to be saved and even then she has to be to main component of that. She has make an effort to save herself before you can even try. There have been times when I felt like I needed someone to save me but I've realized that I need to save myself. Only I know who I really am deep down inside and only I know how to save myself. I've had to make a conscious effort to get myself out of those dark places where I feel like my whole life is going up in smoke. Sure, it's great to have friends there to support me, knowing that they love me and will always be there for me but I have to be the one to save myself. As for the girls who think you can change him, you can't. It's not that he doesn't care about you, he just doesn't think he needs to change. You shouldn't want him to change though when it really comes down to it. If you really care about him and want the best for him, you'll love him just the way he is or he'll find someone who does. It took me a long time to realize this and accept it but I have.

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Why can't I get my head around the fact that he's leaving? There are times where it hits me hard that I only have four months left with him and I cry for hours. Then there are times where I just can't wait to see him the next time I'm home and the thought of him leaving doesn't even cross my mind. He's been such a big part of my life for such a long time now that it's almost incomprehensible that it all might change in just a few months. I'm not ready to say bye. Usually we say it's just "see you later" but I can't say that this time. What if I don't see him again? I wish that thought had never crossed my mind but when it comes to dealing with these things...my mind comes up with all of the worst possibilities ever. I can't begin to tell you how many times he has been my light at the end of the tunnel, how many times he has rescued me, or how many of my memories include him. Now I have to let that go and pretend that I'm not hurting. Of course I'm happy for him. Of course I'm proud of him. I just can't imagine my life without him. I'm not saying that he won't be a part of my life anymore. He just won't be there every time I go home. I won't be able to text him at any moment because his advice is the only advice I'll listen to. Sure, I'll still have pictures and memories but the pictures don't do him justice and the memories don't make him be here with me, telling me that everything will be okay. I love our imperfect relationship. I love the way he's always excited to see me. I love his infectious smile. I love how even when I'm having what feels like the worst day of my life, he can somehow make me smile. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? Why do I keep going back to him? This makes no sense.

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