Soaring Heart Creations

I don't want to think about him anymore. It hurts too much and makes me want to punch the wall. Why have I let him have this much power over me? I don't really understand myself sometimes. My heart is simply broken and I don't know how to handle it. I mentioned to one of my friends that a broken heart doesn't break even. He replied that it can be mended. I know a broken heart can be mended but how? How in the world am I supposed to feel something over than pain and bitterness after what happened? I know I'm supposed to trust God; that He will be the one to heal my heart but right now all I want to do is to just hurt and cry and let the pain subside on its own. I want to hit him. I want to make him regret ever meeting me. I want him to feel the same pain I'm feeling. The worst part about this? He knows the pain he inflicted because he's felt it before yet he did it anyway. How do I forgive him for that? I know we're always supposed to forgive, no matter what. That just doesn't seem possible right now though. I know forgiving him doesn't necessarily mean being friends with him again but even forgiving him seems next to impossible. I know it probably sounds like I'm rambling and complaining and whining but that's what I need to do right now. I'm back in Boone and as much as I love being here, I still feel alone. I still want someone there to hold me as I fall asleep. It's because of him that I feel like this. He took away that serenity I felt when I was with him. My little slice of heaven has been turned into a little piece of hell.

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It's at night when I feel most alone, most vulnerable, like there's no one out there but me. I feel so lonely sitting here at my computer typing out my feelings for strangers to read, people who will never really understand what it is that is going on in my heart and head. There is no possible way for me to convey exactly how I'm feeling. My heart is at war with my head and honestly, my head is winning for the first time. I'm usually ruled by my emotions, letting my heart win every time, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and holding on to the hope that there is good in everyone. That isn't happening this time though. I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt this time because I've finally realized that he doesn't deserve it. There is a little part of me telling me that maybe he didn't mean what he said; that's my heart talking though. He's a person who always means what he says and I know that. I have to keep telling myself that so I can stay strong in the decision I made. It's not fun going to bed at night and not having anyone to hold you, no one to wrap yourself around. Sadly, now I can't quit thinking if it's really worth to have someone to hold onto for a night. What if they just end up hurting me? I've just run out of words. I'm to the point where I just want to be reckless. I don't know exactly what I want to do but I just want to do something no one would expect me to, something that would take everyone by surprise, something that shows him just how strong I am. I don't need him in my life, and he needs to know that now more than ever.

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I keep running through scenarios in my mind of how it's going to be when I finally see him for the first time in two months, especially after finding out what he said. I want to make him eat his words and get a taste of his own medicine. He deserves it, right? Maybe when all of this if over I can move towards finding that tranquility and serenity I have been searching for in this crazy, strange, mixed up world that I often have problems understanding. Right now is one of those times I'm having major problems understanding it. I just don't get how someone, who I've called a friend for a good three years, could hurt me that much and in the way he did it. It makes me want to punch him in the face. I don't know whether to put my wall back up to protect myself, or if I should leave it down and risk getting hurt again. It's really feeling like I need to put it back up again. I hate to do that because I don't want to become cynical but maybe it's necessary. Maybe I need to stop dreaming and get real. Maybe I need to realize that things don't always turn out the way I want/need them to. I did this when my grandfather died too. I put that wall up because I didn't want to feel anything. I was so tired of hurting that I made myself not feel anything. I'm usually very good at forgiving people, maybe too forgiving at times. I can't do it this time though. He crossed the line and I don't want to be that idiot girl who fell for his charm and sweet talking to make me try to forgive him. It's not going to work this time. I deserve so much better than that. The bright side of this? I can cross one more guy off on my way to finding that one person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I just hope this hasn't hurt me so much that I have problems with accepting that every guy isn't like him, that he's an exception. Lately though, I've realized that I've almost become resentful. I don't have that hope and passion I had before all of this happened. One of my friends told me about a year and a half ago that she didn't understand just how I could continue to love when my heart has been broken so much. At the time it was a simple answer; "I just do." Now, I can't honestly answer it. I have been hurt so much and it honestly make me want to give up. Then again there's that little voice in the back of my head telling me "this isn't you, Emma. You love no matter what." It's right. I'm just having a hard time loving anyone, even myself right now. Will I never love again or do I just need time? It's been said that healing takes courage, we just have to find that courage within ourselves. What if I never find that courage, what then?

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It's been said that in order to hate someone you have to actually care about them. I never quite understood what they meant until today. He talked about me behind my back and thought it wouldn't get back to me while I was standing up for him and telling my friends that he's still a good person. I can't begin to explain how angry I was when I found out. I've calmed down (even though I still have the overwhelming urge to smack him) and I've realized that he's not worth the energy it takes to hate someone. I'm just apathetic. I could really care less about him now and if he wants to try to hurt me...well, it's gonna take a lot. And even if he succeeds there will be many boys after him, all the good guys in my life. This just gave me that one last reason I needed to completely let go of him. I have so many better people in my life it's ridiculous, people who actually care about and don't do sleezy things like that to me. Now, it's time for a new me. You know how I used to pretty much let people walk all over me? Well, that stops now. I am no longer putting up with people's crap. If you talk about me, you'll get what's coming to you but I'm not gonna waste my time or energy hating you. I hate that it's come to this and that I almost have to sound like a bitch but that's just what it's come down to. I'm at my breaking point and I can't put up with it anymore

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It's a rare moment when I feel completely and utterly alone but last night was one of them. I just don't quite know how to handle it. It's been almost two months since I last spoke to him. I go home on Monday for almost a month. Do I purposely see him or do I let fate take its course? One thing I saw on tv last night reminded me of him and I went into a spiral. I started missing him and falling asleep in his arms then I had a dream about him. That just seemed to make everything worse. I couldn't get him off my mind. I had felt so safe with him and trusted him so much and then he just pulled the rug out from under me. I no longer felt safe in my own skin and I had no idea how to handle it. These dreams and thoughts of him have made me start missing him. I was doing so well too. Maybe it's time to face my fears and see him again, but on my terms this time. It's a new year and time for a new me. I mean a whole new me, including but not limited to: new hair, new wardrobe, new body (hopefully). The new hair comes into play this week, right before I see him. It's just that moments like I've been having lately are what make me think that maybe I'm not ready to see him again but I know I need to. It's been about two and a half months since I saw him last and I need him to see just how well I'm doing without him. I need him to see that even though he hurt me, I'm happy without him. Maybe my life is even better without him. I'm moving on, feeling good, and starting to find myself again. I'm finding that writer within, the one who relies on emotions and experiences to produce art. Maybe one day that art will turn into something everyone wants to hear. Maybe my therapy will become someone else's therapy. I'm excited for this part of my life to begin. Hopefully by moving on I can actually figure out what's out there for me. I know it'll happen...I'm just getting impatient. My heart is soaring again though. It's no longer being held down by disappointment and hurt. I'm realizing that I deserve so much more than that.

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I've noticed something lately. People seem to think they can save others. In guys it's known as the "white knight syndrome." In girls we just think we can be the girl to change him. News flash, it's not possible. You can't save/change someone if they don't want to be. It has to be a conscious decision on their part to change. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this because I am. I was convinced that if he cared enough about me that he would change. Well, he's not going to if he doesn't want to, no matter how much he cares about you. You can't be the one to change/save someone. Someone I'm very close to is guilty of having "the white knight syndrome." He thinks he can save these girls from themselves. The thing is, he can't. He won't be able to unless she wants to be saved and even then she has to be to main component of that. She has make an effort to save herself before you can even try. There have been times when I felt like I needed someone to save me but I've realized that I need to save myself. Only I know who I really am deep down inside and only I know how to save myself. I've had to make a conscious effort to get myself out of those dark places where I feel like my whole life is going up in smoke. Sure, it's great to have friends there to support me, knowing that they love me and will always be there for me but I have to be the one to save myself. As for the girls who think you can change him, you can't. It's not that he doesn't care about you, he just doesn't think he needs to change. You shouldn't want him to change though when it really comes down to it. If you really care about him and want the best for him, you'll love him just the way he is or he'll find someone who does. It took me a long time to realize this and accept it but I have.

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Why can't I get my head around the fact that he's leaving? There are times where it hits me hard that I only have four months left with him and I cry for hours. Then there are times where I just can't wait to see him the next time I'm home and the thought of him leaving doesn't even cross my mind. He's been such a big part of my life for such a long time now that it's almost incomprehensible that it all might change in just a few months. I'm not ready to say bye. Usually we say it's just "see you later" but I can't say that this time. What if I don't see him again? I wish that thought had never crossed my mind but when it comes to dealing with these things...my mind comes up with all of the worst possibilities ever. I can't begin to tell you how many times he has been my light at the end of the tunnel, how many times he has rescued me, or how many of my memories include him. Now I have to let that go and pretend that I'm not hurting. Of course I'm happy for him. Of course I'm proud of him. I just can't imagine my life without him. I'm not saying that he won't be a part of my life anymore. He just won't be there every time I go home. I won't be able to text him at any moment because his advice is the only advice I'll listen to. Sure, I'll still have pictures and memories but the pictures don't do him justice and the memories don't make him be here with me, telling me that everything will be okay. I love our imperfect relationship. I love the way he's always excited to see me. I love his infectious smile. I love how even when I'm having what feels like the worst day of my life, he can somehow make me smile. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? Why do I keep going back to him? This makes no sense.

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